What’s Happiness?

Last year I suffered from depression. It wasn’t all typical teenage problems. Sure I was having friendship problems but it was mostly at home. At home I felt neglected and unwanted. Whenever I would cry my family would just call me a baby and laugh at me

I was already having suicidal thoughts, but there was only one time that I planned to go through with it. This one night my whole family was out at dinner together when I started crying. I wasn’t like sobbing or anything just silent streaks. But to my aunt it was like I was a hysterical mess. She yelled at me about how she worked too damn hard to have me ruin her night. That’s when I broke down and started sobbing and she made me go home so I wouldn’t ruin anyone’s night. When I went home I went home wrote a letter and tried to hang myself. The only thing that stopped me was thinking of my two little sisters. They look up to me and I didn’t want to teach them that suicide was the only option out. But my sisters and my mom moved away and I don’t see them but once a year (no I don’t live with my dad. I’m adopted).

For a while I stopped thinking about how to end my life. I started writing my feelings in my journal. But recently I started thinking about it again. I started looking up quick and easy ways to kill myself. And I just want the thoughts to go way. Last time I just started cutting myself, hoping it would take the pain away. But I promised my best friend and my boyfriend that I would stop and I don’t ever break promises. At this point I just want to be happy. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep every night, cut myself or think about suicide.