I found the only thing stronger than grief, pain, and despair its name is what we call fear
On the 31 of july i woke up whit just one thougth on my head the thougth of dying i planned everything that very morning, yeah i even wrote here i just needed to talk myself off before well you know crossing over, im not a writer so im going to say the things as they happened and everything i felt on my self frustrated “try”
I phone called my gradfather in order to check if he was going to be in home (nobody suspect my condition, yeah im good at hidding everything) he left his home rigth after hanging the phone.
I took my car and drived myself there, i waited outside trembling in anxiety and smoking almost half pack of cigarretes (my troath still hurts), when his (i dont know how to say this word in english so im going to say something similar) servat came out i got off the car as if i just there i greeted the lady whit a smile and said i needed to look for paper, i simulated searching frenetically every last corner of every room in that house till she left.
When she did i got myself to my grandfather office and searched for the key of the weapon aparator (i supose you can call it ab aparator big piece of furniture made almost of glass whit many weapons and bullets inside) after opening it i got the shotgun loaded 1 shell on it, at that moment my hands where shaking so badly that im surprised the gun didnt fired itself, crying i faced the canon, i hesitated, i put the gun on the floor and ligthed a new cigarrete i took a deep breath, my mind was full of every memery i had until then, good, bads, ugly, every one of my memories or at last the important ones where in there, i felt that my chest was closing my breath was going thin, i couldnt stop shaking for what seemed like ab eternity, my entire body was going numb, i started to cry and scream in pain again, i took the ahotgun from the floor i placed the canon in my mouth aiming for my brain, i wanted to die swiftly, to end it all ad fast as posible, so i pulled the triger, i heard a “tik”, how do you think i felt?, answer: stupid i left the safety lock on, rigth after that i felt relief somehow, i think something as boyish as getting shoot is not for me, rigth i dirty natures mistake, wrong sperm, or however you want to call me should die in a more soft way, cause im a coward rigth?, well next time will be sleeping pills, so i can’t regret.
Yours forever noir