Everything I do is worthless,everything I feel is useless,everything I hope for is always a cruel mirage and my soul is so full of pain I don’t feel like I have any strength anymore to keep forcing myself to live,what for? in the end life just hurts you,people take advantage of you the more sensitive and empathy you feel the worst and unlike they say it never actually gets better is all a lie it just lifts you up with a false pretense to throw you against the ground while it laughs at you and there you go again like a masochist standing up in order to extend your suffering what it seems to feel like an eternity and then many point at you at your miserable worthless state instead of trying to understand they increase your hatred toward this world,toward society,towards most of humanity and the one who lies in fron of the mirror you once punched because is the one you hate the most for his worthless weakness,worthless emotions,worthless hyper sensitive,worthless anger and you can’t surpass him he’s inside an inmortal enemy,an untouchable treat the one who should be your greatest ally is always taking your hand pointing at the cliff just you fell in there’s no escape you should just give in.
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For me, it’s not really a question of going on living. I haven’t really been living for almost twenty years. I’ve been existing. To live you have to be able to engage in life, enjoy things, find comforts here and there. For those of us who find themselves facing death on their own terms, I think the ultimate question really isn’t do I want to die? It’s do I want to live, or merely end an existence? Sometimes some of us realize that we can never really live, so it’s a more humane choice to end it.
Existing in this world is but a pointless sadistic game at least for some of us,I feel like a peon in a chess game but unlike that peon who might survive and achieve something I’m doomed to be destroyed put back in the table of the sadistic game just to see how I fall over and over it a endless cycle of suffering and struggle to accept the game which I never asked to play in the first place…
I like the chess comparison. Abstractly, pawns are interesting pieces. The have one characteristic that no other piece has. They can go from being the lowliest, most ineffectual piece in the game to become a queen, the most powerful. But the road to such a transformation is a slow, ponderous one, where they are vulnerable at every turn. So is the path worth it? Gives one food for thought.
I guess for that pawn the path has a valuable purpose because it has the certainty that if it reaches the other side something will change inside of it for good,for this one though that change seems out of reach and it doesn’t matter because power holds no meaning or purpose there’s no other certainty than the shallowness of the world.
I tend to follow that thinking as well. I don’t believe that there is much point in going on simply to say I did. Breathing doesn’t hold that much sentimental value to me. In twenty years nothing has change for the better, no matter what I’ve tried, so I don’t really see much reason either.
And is quite terrible that sentimental values have so little importance in the world except for propaganda interest,then many times I try to look at nature avoiding all the sadness but it just bring me despair animals are wonderful but the laws they are doomed to live for fill me of despair and remind me how worthless existence is even for innocent creatures…I always tried to help animals and keep pets but they keep dying and it makes me feel so useless and defeated I just being crawling around because of how weak I’m feeling I would be nice if I could be nothing again if nothing holds purpose or meaning but all being a sick twisted game of “evolution” then there’s no reason for anything is all a messed up joke I wish existence could recognize it twistedness and change it makes no sense and what’s the meaning of feeling in the end if hold no value for no one and just tortures you until you die? is loving things a “sin” for this world so much that it forces you to hate it?
Am I doomed to live consumed by hatred and anger since love and kindness are such a “sin” and unimportant to this world I never asked to come? and why doesn’t my body and mind support me is it because I’m a failure and therefore it rejects me? so many questions but is there any real answer?
Honestly, I don’t know if there are ever any real answers. I know I’ve asked myself the same questions that you, and a lot of others on here ask. I can only comment really on what I’ve come to as conclusions for myself. I don’t consider loving and caring for things a sin, but I realize that for myself, they really hold no meaning anymore. I had to accept that. Once I did, I realized that the questions like why me? Why is the world so against me? Why doesn’t anyone care? Etc… Those no longer mean anything to me. I am who I am. I’m a man that does not care about his own life, so I don’t expect anyone else to either. In a way it has given me a sort of contentedness about my decision. I’m not long for this world, and that is what’s best for me. I’m not upset about it, I don’t despair that I want to die. I embrace it, and that is where I’ve found peace. I approach my impending demise with a calmness inside me that I never felt when I cared about making life better.
Indeed the struggle is full of meaningless pain