I am not depressed. Or so I’m told anyway. Great stuff. Except that doesn’t relieve the crushing weariness which makes everyday life unbearable.
Aparently I cannot be depressed as my semi conscious, morose state isnt constant. No, I have days of energetic, paranoid agitation; bizarre periods of un-lucidity in which nothing seems as real as it should and believe it or not, some days of relative normality. Unfortunately however, accordong to some of the small army of doctors ive seen, the presence of these other states exempts me from any kind of medical inerest or help. They were not even swayed by my persistent rumination/ in depth planning of my own death. Im sure I must just be a self righteous, attention seeking fraud.
From my own research im convinced I have symptoms of a myriad of conditions: pure o ocd, schizotypal disorder etc. However I know that its easy to google yourself into all sorts of delusions. Its probably fine.
I would just love to have a name or a reason for what im feeling. Some kind of justification for being the miserable, stressy bastard that I am.
3 comments
You don’t sound like an attention-seeking fraud to me! Some people somehow fall through the cracks in the mental health system because they don’t easily fit into any diagnostic box. That doesn’t in any way detract from their very real suffering, indeed it just makes it worse. You are going to have to assert your need for help more strongly. Eventually one of these docs will have to listen.
Listen to seppuku. But don’t ever wish a mental illness on to yourself.
Thanks for the comments, thos is my forst post and i wasnt really expecting any.
I feel rather conflicted really, as much as I feel like there is something wrong with me, and as unhappy as waking up in the morning makes me, im all to aware that doctors are highly trained and im in no position to question them. The last thing id want to do is trivialise the legitimate struggle of those with genuine mental health issues. I feel like the situation described by seppuku is right but at the same time im worried and ashamed that im just seeking justification for my own flaws.