I am not depressed. Or so I’m told anyway. Great stuff. Except that doesn’t relieve the crushing weariness which makes everyday life unbearable.
Aparently I cannot be depressed as my semi conscious, morose state isnt constant. No, I have days of energetic, paranoid agitation; bizarre periods of un-lucidity in which nothing seems as real as it should and believe it or not, some days of relative normality. Unfortunately however, accordong to some of the small army of doctors ive seen, the presence of these other states exempts me from any kind of medical inerest or help. They were not even swayed by my persistent rumination/ in depth planning of my own death. Im sure I must just be a self righteous, attention seeking fraud.
From my own research im convinced I have symptoms of a myriad of conditions: pure o ocd, schizotypal disorder etc. However I know that its easy to google yourself into all sorts of delusions. Its probably fine.
I would just love to have a name or a reason for what im feeling. Some kind of justification for being the miserable, stressy bastard that I am.