I’m 23 years old, and I’m the General Manager of a brand new business my father has opened. This is his first and only business he has ever opened and he has been dreaming about it for a very long time. I am the only one in this family with experience in this industry of business that my father has just opened. So obviously, everything falls to me when it comes to this business. I work 15 hours a day, if I’m lucky and it’s slow I’ll work 12-14 hours. I get 1 day off a week to see my boyfriend. Without going into too much detail, I’m severely severely stressed from work and my home life. I think about suicide on a daily basis and I look forward to the day my death finally happens, be it by my own hands or my health deteriorating.
I have an identicle twin sister who’s been my best friend since forever. Her and I have purchased a house together. Our relationship has changed ever since she has fallen for someone online through a video game. She spends all her time in her room, and vary rarely speaks to me anymore. Our closeness is not what is use to be and I very much miss my sister. When she gets home from work, she goes straight into her bedroom. After dinner, she’s back in her room. It’s like whenever she has a free moment she spends it in her room, rarely coming out. I don’t tell her I miss her because she hasn’t been in love in a very very long time and she deserves to be in love. I don’t want to get in the way so I say nothing when she leaves me here at the table by myself.
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for about 3 years now. I love him, and he ADORES me. He is obsessed with me. He would do anything for me. We only see each other once a week. He drives 1.5 hrs to see me for one day and drives back home. I’ve put on quite a bit of weight in the past year. This man of mine still adores me to pieces, however, that still has not stopped my confidence from going down for some reason. I have no sex drive anymore. We used to have sex all the time. Now that I can’t stand looking at myself, I hate having sex. I don’t enjoy sex anymore. I feel terrible about it, he can tell I’m not enjoying it so he waits until I’m ready for sex, which these days is RARE. The poor guy gets action maybe once a month if he’s lucky. I feel very guilty that we don’t have sex anymore. He is a little obsessive however. As I stated before, I work 15 hours a day. My boyfriend requests of me to text and call him multiple times a day just so he can hear my voice. Even if I have nothing to say, he wants me to call and text him. We’ve fought about this many times, that when I’m at work I’m focused on work, I have very little time to sit in a chair even, let alone call him up to see how he’s doing. This has put a strain on our relationship. I feel like I don’t deserve his love for me because I just don’t have room for him in my life right now. I’m very very busy at work and this business has taken over my life. I’m there from 6:30 in the morning until 9 at night. I don’t even feel like talking when I get home. He deserves better, I don’t know why he stays with me, I don’t know what he sees from me, I don’t know what he gets from it.
As I said before, I’ve put on a lot of weight. I don’t even look the same at all from last year, I look like someone who ATE the person I was from last year. I love eating. When I see something I want, I just think “Yup, I deserve it” and I eat it, and I get so happy for a few minutes. My mind goes at ease, my stress goes away, and I feel that happiness once more. I don’t know how to be happy anymore, except when I’m eating. I have no resistance anymore. I’ve had a heart condition all my life but it’s never caused me any problems…until recently. Since starting this job with my father, I’ve been getting more and more heart palpitations. I lose my breath at work and get very dizzy, my heart feels like it’s going to explode out of my chest. Ever since my stress levels have risen to above normal for me, I can have heart palpitations last days at a time. With the weight gain, I don’t think that’s making things any better either. But I have to admit, when I’m having these scary palpitations and dizzy spells, I look forward to the day my heart will finally throw in the towel. I’m waiting for the moment it actually explodes in my chest to release me from all this stress and worry I have on a daily basis. When I drive home at night, I look at the dividers on the road and wonder “If I hit those and crashed, would I die instantly or would I only be severely injured?”. I frequently ask myself “how much more food will it take until my heart finally stops beating”. I have pills given to me from my doctor for my scoliosis that could possibly kill me if I overdosed on them so I often question myself if this is the night I take the whole bottle. And I would be totally okay with it. I feel like I’ve done my time on this earth, I’ve done everything I can and my life just seems to be draining my soul out of me. I’m not liking where my life is going but I feel like I have no control over it. I HAVE to work this job, and I must be there 15 hours a day or it’ll be run to the ground. I’m the only one who can run the place or else my father would have to shut down. I have no other escape. My boyfriend adores me and I simply don’t have any room in my life for him. He wants more out of me but I just have nothing left to give, I have nothing left in me. And my sister, my other half, my best friend, is never there for me anymore. I feel like I’m such a burden to her, that she doesn’t need me anymore. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Thinking about suicide is like a normal daily thing for me to do. It doesn’t scare me anymore. It’s just a ticking time bomb waiting for me to finally give up.
3 comments
Ach you’re so young. The stress from this work of yours is very toxic. I am in the exact opposite position from you, as I have almost nothing to do. Extremes of everything are damaging. What about your dad, have you tried talking to him about how you feel? I relate to the whole eating/weight gain thing. I love food – TOOO much. Here we are, on opposite ends of the work spectrum, and both stressed and depressed, eating for comfort. If only you and I could share the load. You’d give me half the work and so we’d both have a more ordinary work schedule. What you are having to do is inhumane.
Sorry I’m not of more help. I wouldn’t like to see your health deteriorate any further – suicide is one thing but you’re looking at dying slowly and painfully. Please take assertive action to try and remedy your situation before you get really ill.
I agree: That’s a TON of “Stuff” to process at 23! Here, you get to “pretend” your way through any/ every possible solution. If you could do whatever you wanted, how would you resolve this situation?
Yours is probably the most prevalent thinking among those who dream of death.
All your actual plans are really bad ones, I mean in terms of ACTUALLY making yourself die.
And if you went to a shrink, as I’m sure many people have suggested, he or she would probably prescribe a drug that would make you gain even more weight.
Yes, what your father is having you do is unfair and cruel even, but that doesn’t matter now. You are stuck on this ride and you have to ride it to the end… but you really want to get off in the middle don’t you?
I hope you are saving up a lot of money at least.
The weight gain thing is tough, because most people get fat and stay fat the rest of their lives. And of course they got fat because of other reasons, things like you described, suffering alone inside your private hell, but then all of the sudden 30 years has gone by, your father’s long gone, you’re happily married AND you are still miserable because now you are stuck being FAT! People always say things like “Oh, I’m reconciled to it, I don’t care what people say…” etc. etc. but it matters a lot. You really don’t want to be the “fat aunt”, mother, sister, co-worker, friend.
I am lucky, I barf a lot. Just naturally. But you have to take real good care of your teeth then! Maybe laxatives? Adderall… no you’d still eat.
I don’t know, but your suicidal plans are lame. Like you can drink too much buttermilk yourself to death. Or like Felix in The Odd Couple, he took a whole bottle of pills, and when one of the guys suggests pumping his stomach or something Oscar says “wait a minute, what was in the bottle? Maybe they were vitamins — he might be the healthiest guy in the room!”
Anyway, good luck with your struggle.