I found this site by simply typing “I can’t do this anymore”, into Google. I do that often because I’m experienced enough in my roller coaster of depression to know that nobody wants to hear it, it makes them uncomfortable.
I’m a 23 year old female. I can’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t experience extreme sadness. It peaked when I was 14, lasted until around 17. A therapist once told me she thought I might be bipolar. But I was never truthful with her. I wasn’t truthful at the crisis centers I was in and out of either. I diagnoised myself with boarderline personality disorder in nursing school. When it peaked I couldnt do much more than think about ending it. I didn’t want to, I just hurt so much I didn’t know what else to do.
Fast forward to now, I still experience overwhelming sadness. When this comes on, I know me acting “fine” was fake. I tell myself these moments will come and go forever. Only now I’m a single mom, to a special needs child. How could I honestly leave him in this world alone? I know what it’s like to be alone, I don’t want that for him.
Yet I still can’t help but ask myself why the hell I didn’t do it before someone else was here because of me?
I feel so alone, I did before I had him. But now I can’t even distract myself with the fake friends who slowly all went away. My family, aside from my mother, doesn’t like my son. They were plain rude and hateful, he doesn’t need that. So we no longer speak.
I have nobody.
Nobody wants me, they never will and it’d be selfish of me to want them to.
I’m not a good mom like this. I’m failing as an adult.
I’m so fucking tired of being tired.
I just can’t do this.
I know this is long, I don’t even know if this belongs here. I know it’s doubtful anyone could relate. It does feel a little better to get it out though.