I found this site by simply typing “I can’t do this anymore”, into Google. I do that often because I’m experienced enough in my roller coaster of depression to know that nobody wants to hear it, it makes them uncomfortable.
I’m a 23 year old female. I can’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t experience extreme sadness. It peaked when I was 14, lasted until around 17. A therapist once told me she thought I might be bipolar. But I was never truthful with her. I wasn’t truthful at the crisis centers I was in and out of either. I diagnoised myself with boarderline personality disorder in nursing school. When it peaked I couldnt do much more than think about ending it. I didn’t want to, I just hurt so much I didn’t know what else to do.
Fast forward to now, I still experience overwhelming sadness. When this comes on, I know me acting “fine” was fake. I tell myself these moments will come and go forever. Only now I’m a single mom, to a special needs child. How could I honestly leave him in this world alone? I know what it’s like to be alone, I don’t want that for him.
Yet I still can’t help but ask myself why the hell I didn’t do it before someone else was here because of me?
I feel so alone, I did before I had him. But now I can’t even distract myself with the fake friends who slowly all went away. My family, aside from my mother, doesn’t like my son. They were plain rude and hateful, he doesn’t need that. So we no longer speak.
I have nobody.
Nobody wants me, they never will and it’d be selfish of me to want them to.
I’m not a good mom like this. I’m failing as an adult.
I’m so fucking tired of being tired.
I just can’t do this.
I know this is long, I don’t even know if this belongs here. I know it’s doubtful anyone could relate. It does feel a little better to get it out though.
5 comments
Heya. Im sorry life is wearing you down and that most of your family treats your son badly.
Are there any particular reasons why you suddenly become sad? Do you think a therapist would be able to help if you were honest about things?
Im certain there are people that want you even if you’ve yet to meet them. What about your son? Surely he wants you around. And everyone has right to be a little selfish now and again.
You said that it helped a little talking about this…while I cannot personally relate to this there are people here that can…You might not have anyone you know that you can talk to but you can always talk to us. Please hang in there.
What about his father? you can give him to his dad & be free to your project.
Dolunay, I’m not impressed by your advice-giving that I’ve seen tbh.
I can’t see that your story doesn’t belong here, you are very sad, it totally belongs. As a mothger myself of an 18 year old I have often had the thought you describe – ‘why didn’t I do it before someone else was here because of me?’ The sense of responsibility and guilt, and the feeling of being trapped here because you can’t leave them alone.
Your family (apart from your mum) suck for ‘not liking’ your son. Clearly they are useless as a support. You need to look elsewhere. There are groups both online and in real life where a mum of a special needs child can find support and maybe make friends. There are parent lines in many countries (I don’t know where you’re from) that can put you in touch with the resources you need – possibly counselling too.
But if you do attend therapy or counselling again, why not tell the truth? (Provided it’s not going to get you locked up or something).
I wish you and your son the best.
seppuku, why you can’t be the support for nightnurse? You know exactly what’s going on, and how to deal with it. I’m more or less the same age as your son, so obviously I cannot relate to her issues, but surely you can. You become her support, she becomes yours.
This forum is full of great people, even if most of them either lonely or suicidal. Why can’t we just reach out to them in person, beyond the scope of this forum? That ought to help, both them and yourself.
Sorry dolunay, I realise you probably meant well, I was a bit crabby there. Maybe there is a dad…it makes me mad that women are so often left holding the baby with very little support. I was in that position myself. Hence my snappy reply.