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Initial Contact

by darkseraph777

Hello everyone. A potential suicidal from Brazil right here. So, needless to say, English is not my primary language. I truly apologize if there is any kind of grammar mistakes on my reports here. Honestly, it is my first time posting something in a site such as this and I’m a little insecure of what to write here, but I decided to try and make contact and – I don’t know… See what happens. I don’t think it’s wise to keep all this torment to myself. If is ok with you, I would like to open up just a little… at least just once.

It is a fact that since I was 18 my mind has been a place for all types of depressing thoughts to gather and spread. I’ve been a victim of depression for such a long time that I kind forgot how it is to live without this nothingness tightening my chest. I am 25 now… There were times that I got better and thought my demons left me for good, but the eagerness of ending it all comes to me without warning and it’s becoming stronger each day.

I used to have a dream. Something that I loved to do, that filled me with a feeling of accomplishment and happiness. It used to give me such bliss. Now, have the sensation that I’ll never achieve such a dream because I don’t have what it takes or the necessary talent. As days pass by, is getting harder to feel joy, even when I am doing what I used to cherish the most. I have no passion, no motivation. I am quite smart and intelligent and people often say that I am going to do fine in life. They don’t know.

You see… I am a master of wearing a mask when it’s needed, putting on a fake – yet quite convincing – smile on my face to create the illusion that everything is alright. Tell a joke, say something stupid or funny, make people laugh even though I am rotting inside, just wanting to scream and cry. I am screwed up. I think I am a disappointment to my parents and that I am untalented. I wished I was strong, determined and bold to go after my dreams, my happiness. But I am weak coward. Truly I am the person I hate the most. My body, my mind, my pathetic personality, my limitations, my fears… I hate them all! My lack of passion, courage and guts. I hate myself. Sometimes I loathe everything I represent and find myself contemplating suicide as happened many times before. As is happening right now as I write this.

I’ll fall, I’ll perish. This is the first time that I talk about this and I know I need help, but I don’t know what to do. I am fighting against this darkness of mine and I am losing – miserably.

I apologize for the long text. If you went as far as to read this part, you have my gratitude for reserving a small time of your day to listen what I have to say. Thank you. Although my mind is going through its darkest times, I’ll stay polite. I believe this is one of the few qualities I have left.

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12 comments

Durmmy 8/2/2014 - 10:01 pm

Welcome, and post whatever is on your mind. You’ll find good people here who understand, and can empathize, without judgment.

darkseraph777 8/2/2014 - 10:32 pm

Thank you, really. I appreciate it.

Durmmy 8/2/2014 - 10:37 pm

If you don’t mind me asking, what is it that you think makes you feel this way?

darkseraph777 8/2/2014 - 11:25 pm

I am a lot of wasted potencial, my friend. I don’t have the courage to go after my own dreams and I hate myself for it. If I can’t fight for what I want, what kind o future will I have?

Durmmy 8/2/2014 - 11:29 pm

Is there anything besides yourself that is stopping you from chasing your dream? It sounds like you were once happy with pursuing it, what changed to make you believe you can’t achieve it?

darkseraph777 8/3/2014 - 12:05 am

Lets just say that I have a gift. An undeniable gift that is necessary for me to achieve my goal. But it is incomplete. In other words, it is a two parts gift. In on part, I have what it takes and am really good at it, but the other thing that I need to have, well… I wasn’t born with it. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to improve it, but it was for no aval. As the years went by I was losing – am losing my passion. I am no longer passionate about it and its making me colder and colder. I am becoming unable to feel some good emotions. But this is just one of the reasons why I feel this way.

Again, thank you for taking interest in my problems. It means a lot to me.

Durmmy 8/3/2014 - 12:39 am

I can understand. It feels like futility to chase something that is unattainable. Reminds me of the Nine Inch Nails song “Something I Can Never Have”. (although I like the Flyleaf version better) That is a difficult thing to deal with, and there is really no good advice anyone can give, because ultimately you have to be the one to decide whether you can go on without achieving your dream, or not. Before you make any decision on ending your life though, I do strongly urge you to exhaust all options, resources, talking to people, finding out if there are any treatments available to you. Sometimes things get overwhelming, but I think a lot of times, it can pass as well. You have to give yourself the time to see if it will.

lostchild445 8/3/2014 - 12:11 am

Ah if only you were a few countries over I could speak Spanish to you to make you more comfortable. Alas, brazilian is not my forte. I can understand not feeling emotions (good ones anyway) for a long long time. I’ve been “better” for two years now; I wasn’t improving at all in therapy so I kinda just told everyone what they wanted to hear so I could stop wasting time and money. I think I went a solid year and a half without smiling for real. But, as annoying as it is, eventually even the despair will fade and it makes room for some basic form of happiness. Not full blown “kid with $20 in a candy store” happy but, perhaps, contentedness is a better word.

vedura 8/3/2014 - 12:29 am

You write exceptionally well in English, better than most who speak it as a first language.

Some of us just aren’t tuned for doing things the way this world has life mapped. It kills our passions, then asks why we don’t have any. I went for years not being able to cry. Then I learned to cry. Now I’m on anti-depressants and can’t cry again.
Please know, that, even though our struggles may differ, we on this website are all struggling.

You are not alone.
Sending love,
Vedura

lostchild445 8/3/2014 - 12:39 am

Puedo decir Amen al esto. Everyone struggles, some can deal with it more effectively than others. Some have struggles that are too difficult to face alone. We’re all here for one reason or another, and while we may not be able to understand someone’s exact experience, we all know what it’s like to be at the edge of what humanity is capable of handling.

seppuku 8/3/2014 - 12:39 am

I was just going to say the same about your English, Vedura beat me to it! If writing is your passion/dream, you should definitely go for it! Most certainly you are very smart to write like that in a second language.

Depression will certainly kill your sense of passion. But depression is often temporary. You can get that passion back. You come across as a good person (eg, wanting to make others laugh while feeling like shit inside). I’d say you definitely have more than enough potential to make a worthwhile contribution to this crazy world we find ourselves in. For what it’s worth.

darkseraph777 8/3/2014 - 12:00 pm

Thanks for the support guys. For some reason, I feel way more comfortable speaking in English than Portuguese. I seriously don’t know why. I just enjoy it. I also decided that I like this site. I think I’ll stick around and, if possible, give you guys some help too.

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