Hello everyone. A potential suicidal from Brazil right here. So, needless to say, English is not my primary language. I truly apologize if there is any kind of grammar mistakes on my reports here. Honestly, it is my first time posting something in a site such as this and I’m a little insecure of what to write here, but I decided to try and make contact and – I don’t know… See what happens. I don’t think it’s wise to keep all this torment to myself. If is ok with you, I would like to open up just a little… at least just once.
It is a fact that since I was 18 my mind has been a place for all types of depressing thoughts to gather and spread. I’ve been a victim of depression for such a long time that I kind forgot how it is to live without this nothingness tightening my chest. I am 25 now… There were times that I got better and thought my demons left me for good, but the eagerness of ending it all comes to me without warning and it’s becoming stronger each day.
I used to have a dream. Something that I loved to do, that filled me with a feeling of accomplishment and happiness. It used to give me such bliss. Now, have the sensation that I’ll never achieve such a dream because I don’t have what it takes or the necessary talent. As days pass by, is getting harder to feel joy, even when I am doing what I used to cherish the most. I have no passion, no motivation. I am quite smart and intelligent and people often say that I am going to do fine in life. They don’t know.
You see… I am a master of wearing a mask when it’s needed, putting on a fake – yet quite convincing – smile on my face to create the illusion that everything is alright. Tell a joke, say something stupid or funny, make people laugh even though I am rotting inside, just wanting to scream and cry. I am screwed up. I think I am a disappointment to my parents and that I am untalented. I wished I was strong, determined and bold to go after my dreams, my happiness. But I am weak coward. Truly I am the person I hate the most. My body, my mind, my pathetic personality, my limitations, my fears… I hate them all! My lack of passion, courage and guts. I hate myself. Sometimes I loathe everything I represent and find myself contemplating suicide as happened many times before. As is happening right now as I write this.
I’ll fall, I’ll perish. This is the first time that I talk about this and I know I need help, but I don’t know what to do. I am fighting against this darkness of mine and I am losing – miserably.
I apologize for the long text. If you went as far as to read this part, you have my gratitude for reserving a small time of your day to listen what I have to say. Thank you. Although my mind is going through its darkest times, I’ll stay polite. I believe this is one of the few qualities I have left.