My co-worker proposed to his stunning, sweet girlfriend tonight. On the beach. With a sparkly diamond ring. Everyone clapping and smiling. I saw her full of love, surprise, crying, and happy. “That’ll never be you” I thought to myself. Just kill me.
I met my friend’s wife. She’s a size zero with a prominent jaw line and a contagious smile. She has a presence that is quiet but powerful. She wore high heels with perfect eyebrows. “That’ll never be you” I thought to myself. Just kill me.
I saw my boss, laughing and schmoozing. She wore a long dangly silver necklace and a black tight jumpsuit that fit in all the right places. She wiped away the tears of joy, sharing laughs and stories. Everyone that meets her immediately likes her. “That’ll never be you” I thought to myself. Just kill me.
I saw a picture of my sister, skinny and sun-tanned. In each hand, she held her daughters’ hands. One wore an oversized beach hat, and the other, walking along clumsily with blond curls. My sister wore oversized black sunglasses, her hair jet black and shiny, a black mini sundress, simple but sexy. She walked with an air of confidance, of ease, of pleasure. “That’ll never be you” I thought to myself. Just kill me.
I am angry, mean and resentful. Underneath all of the hardened layers there is a vulnerable young child within me with a pure heart and good intentions. I know people think I’m a *****. I know people find me uncomfortable and awkward. Often nervous. I know that when you look deeply into my eyes, there’s a certain deadness looking back. I know I’m gaining weight so fast I look pregnant. I know I have no jawline, a big nose, a giant forehead and limp hair. I know my butt and thighs are wrinkled with cellulite. I know I’ll never be happy, never be pretty, never be thing, never be popular, never be married. Just kill me.
I don’t know why my dad abused me and favored my sisters. I don’t know why he hit me so hard on my behind that I flew across th eroom. I don’t know why my mom turned the other way. I don’t know why my aunts poked fun at me when I was young. I don’t know why my dad would invite his friends over, get drunk, and I would become the center of their jokes. I don’t know why when I was young, and tall and thin, why they found me so funny looking. I don’t know why I was born into this family or born at all.
The only unconditional love I have ever received is from my birds. I lack the capacity to love a human being.