never in my life did I think there were as many people who feel the same way as me. I am 45, been battling since I was 10 or so. I have won and lost, two prior attempts that but by the grace of God i survived. However even though I firmly believe I am a walking miracle I still know that one day I will end it.
I don’t know exactly when, but I do know what will be my last straw, and that will be when I lose my best and only true friend Chip. my chocolate lab. he is 6 now, so I figure if I am lucky he will live to be 13. But once he goes, I go. No reason to stick around after, and I know I don’t have the strength to go through mourning him.
so I battle everyday to stay alive to take care of him, thats it. My life from the outside looking in looks rosey. Great job, well respected in the community, world traveller etc. etc. On the inside is nothing but emptiness, contempt for lift and an over abundance of love for my dog. how @$## up is that.
this is my first post, won’t be my last.
11 comments
Honestly…not very much. As of now, I plan on leaving in 3 days. I made a post yesterday and one this morning detailing my situation more if are interested. I have my mind made up, I have looked at this thing from all angles to try to talk myself out of it. Not happening. In a hole too deep now. Again see my earlier 2 posts for full details.
But here’s the hard part. Here’s the kicker. People are going to be heart-broken. People will cry. Family, friends, co-workers. This is the absolute hardest part of this. Even though, it is my choice and my situation…..this will effect others. I am trying to make this work in my own head. I never really thought about this before during past contemplations, but because of how serious I am this time, these thoughts are present.
Thing is….like you…on the outside I appear to be a happy decent guy. I work a decent job, I have somewhat of a social life on the weekends, I have nice toys, a roof over my head, etc. But none of that really matters if you are not a happy person, who has various mental illnesses and a chronic health condition. None of that means a thing. I just hope I have the courage and determination to go through with this in a few days, otherwise its going to be an endless cycle of disappointment, sadness, and mental misery. And frankly, I’ve had enough of that.
Hope that answered your question and welcome aboard fenceguy.
I feel ya. I have various mental illnesses and severe osteo arthritis in all my joints from playing rugby. It sucks, struggle to stand struggle to sit, all the while your mind racing asking why you stick around
I will go find your earlier posts. I am interested. Seems like we have lots in common.
You love your dog to bits…that makes you a good person in my eyes. Dogs>people.
I just joined this site because I have the time, a series of events has me staying with a woman I only just met. My dog became seriously ill, and needs to be put to sleep, and my car needed work.
And my dog, he’s so sweet. He just won’t cooperate. He’s acting as happy as ever, with only occasional respiratory attacks. He never had more fun. He loves being on his deathbed, it’s very comfy. He’s had 12 final meals and has as good an appetite as ever. But tomorrow he has to be put to sleep.
FS. I am so sorry to hear about your dog. Just thinking about it makes me ache for you and for me, knowing its inevitable. All I can say, is LOVE LOVE LOVE him as long as you can. My dog is spoiled rotten and I don’t care. He comes first in my life, and if anyone has a problem with that, then they are more than welcome to leave my life. The only piece of advice I can give you, and you may not be able to make this happen, but try to find a vet that will come to your home and do it. Let him fall asleep in his favorite chair, feeling your love for him. God knows that’s how I wish I could go. To me there would be nothing better. I would love to find a vet that at the appropriate time they would put us both down together. I am so sorry!!!!!!!!
@fenceguy – Welcome aboard. It’s always nice to have a fellow geezer (american definition: old guy 😛 ) around to help offer knowledge, experience and wisdom to the younger visitors. I’ve been around here for around 3 or so years … i visit and interact a lot less than i used to simply because life and circumstances changed and don’t permit me the same time and level of privacy as i once had.
I was particularly struck by your determined dedication to living (at minimum) to see your responsibility to your dog through to his end … I very much respect that. I have several dogs myself … they have seen me through several dark moments. I tend to adopt old and/or defective dogs that one one else wants. Like you, I thought – for a time – that I’d simply “hold on” until the dogs i had passed on … but it never seems to work out … when one passes, it just seems irresistible to not fill the “vacancy” … since I’m still here and all and since I have the space available. So I notify the rescue that I have a “spot” for another dog that fits my criteria … and they always seem to have one handy … and thus I extend my stay yet again. So many dogs that never get a chance, I try to do my bit to give another one a new lease on life regardless of what I might think of this life … they always seem to have an unspoken deep appreciation … almost as if they “know”. I do my best not to let them down … just a thought – if the dog or dogs ARE your purpose … life, despite all its difficulties, flaws and general shit … could be long and happy and full of appreciative loving dogs 🙂 … fuck the humans (the ones who think we here on SP are “defective and worthless”) – stick around for the mutts … when the time draws near, at least give it a consideration?
I tend to try and interact around here on the simple principle of trying to help when and where I can or have something relatively positive to add or at least to not to be negative or hurtful with my posts and comments – we cannot help everyone but we can try to help the one we think we can. Again welcome 🙂
all the best
advocate dawg
I was very uplifted reading your message.You are a very good person.Youve got a good system going, my friend. We(myself and my 2teenagers) have a calling,too,and we do rescue and fostering,and placement.We have a bit of a zoo,but we love it.My last couple severe depressions have come in the absence of orphans in the house-they certainly enrich your existence,and being needed enables me to function better.Our forever dogs and cats of course are loved and constant companions -the pups are at my side always,but nursing sick ones or raising tiny ones is a different thing,somehow.I love that you adopt the older pups-those guys dont get many breaks
Black dogs and older dogs both. I agree completely-Fuck th humans,live for the animals,who are so so much kinder,forgiving,loyal,amusing and loving.I honestly feel this to be the simple truth-they are BETTER beings than we by far. I mean all animals,by the way.Not just domesticated cats and dogs.You are an inspiring individual,and I hope you keep on talking on here about your adoption system and the how theyve given you a reason to stay.
Ahh … you bring up a good point … most of the dogs I take in are actually fosters … since I am poor and can’t afford vetting, so it’s kind of the best of both worlds. I am well aware of the “black dog syndrome” but my physical ailments make it difficult to care for young, fit, high energy dogs … also part of my decision to take in older and damaged dogs is because no one wants to adopt them so in effect, I get a long term, subsidized dog 😉 … but it also helps since I have the “stomach” for “letting them go” as in euthanasia, when the time comes, the rescue finds my “services” very convenient since most rescuers/fosters will try to save a dog at all costs … whereas I review quality of life and suffering then make the pragmatic decision where necessary in the best interests of the dog … not the human.
FYI – I’ve been around SP for around 3 years I think … I don’t see that changing anytime soon 😉 but who knows what the future holds …
dog’s dawg
Absolutely-the older guys are the castoffs with the lowest chance of being adopted-no doubt,and the fact that they are less rambunctious and low key makes them ideal for you.Its perfect. I think its great that you have the practical and compassionate characteristics to decide when its time for them to go and to comfort them in the process -so many go out in fear and confusion because of emotional distress of th human or inability of th human to be present at all during the euthanasia,leaving the animal in unfamiliar hands …ive seen it many times,having been a vet tech for years in my younger days. Its good to meet you,Dawg.Ill see you around,I hope.
Dawg thank you for taking the time to share your story and thank you for taking care to love and care for the dogs that no one else wants. You have a golden heart in my opinion.