I’m depressed, anxious and suicidal. Over the last few months, a chain of bad things happened to me. Deaths of grandparents, family tensions, stressful work then redundancy, relationship trust issues, fallings out with friends, the list goes on. Seeking employment, supporting family and trying to forgive a cheating partner became too much for me, and rather than kill myself, I immediately moved out of the family home. Two days later my boyfriend broke up with me in a very cruel way. I’ve been staying in friends’ rooms while they’re on holiday – thank god it’s the summer.
I’m still suicidal. Moving out of home was me disengaging with the set of problems associated with my family. I needed my boyfriend to be supportive but he gave up on me.
I am very focused on suicide methods. I know that I am not allowed to post any on here. I have looked for a website where I can do this but I can’t find any. When I do it (which I’m sure I will do, whether it’s this month or in 10 years) I want it to be perfect. I have the disposition to be like this. I recovered from depression a few years ago and had a good few years – peppered by extreme anxiety and stress that I pretended wasn’t real, so I got through it. If nothing is for forever, I will recover from this, and I will also relapse. It’s such a fight that I’m not sure if the good years that might be ahead are worth all the fighting during the bad years. If it’s always bound to come back to me, even if I recover this time, why bother trying?
There’s something poetic about dying on your 25th birthday. I got through mine, only just. I was alone for the bulk of it, thanks to scuppered plans with my now ex-boyfriend. I’m much more sane when there are other people around. I was making lists of suicide methods. I was afraid and didn’t know which one to pick. What would be the most poetic?
Apart from a poetic death, I kind of want it to seem like it’s not suicide so that my family won’t be so upset. I’m highly allergic to cats. I’m staying with a friend of a friend who has a cat. I’ve closed the door and opened the windows and taken anti histamines. I don’t know if I will get an asthma attack. It’s more uncomfortable than anything – it’s not a quick or painless way to go. If I do get an asthma attack and stop breathing because I’m near a cat, is that suicide? It’s passive. Does it count as a suicide method? Or is it simply accidental?
I’m not my normal charming, motivated, focused self. I’m selfish, negative, reclusive, demotivated, resentful, slow thinking, uncreative. Am I the person who I am right now, or the person I thought I was in the past? Will I ever be the perception I had of myself again? I’m like this because the world has dealt me a bad hand this year. I’ve reacted badly and I’m not coping. Is this who I am then? It’s the rubbish version of me. That’s who I am now. I’m not good at responding to emails, I’m less reliable, I make poor decisions and slow decisions, I say the wrong thing or nothing at all. I’m not perfect wonderful me. I’m weak, attention seeking, insensitive me. Such an unfamiliar version of me. I hate her and want to kill her off so I’d be left with the perfect me who must be hiding under there somewhere. But in reality if I killed her then I’d kill all of me, and there would be no perfect me under there. How can I cut her apart and separate her out? I want to do it violently. How about if I did it with love, and loved her – would that make her soften and melt and disappear? Because when I indulge her, she gets stronger. But when I ignore her, she gets more insistent. Like a demanding child.
Is all this crazy or does it make sense?
I want to write something that would help explain how all this happened and it would be beautifully readable, but I don’t have the inspiration. I think I’ll go back to sleep instead.