Let’s just say, the last six years of my life haven’t been easy.. and now I’m at a point in life where I’m starting to struggle. When I was fourteen, I lost my mum to cancer, and that was when my world started to come crashing down. I went off the rails.. I spent all of my time drinking, taking drugs, trying to shut everything out and for a while it worked. That was until my brother got ill, since we’d lost mum, he was severely depressed and wouldn’t leave the house. He started to act strange and had a few episodes in which he was soon diagnosed bipolar and schizophrenic. He was sectioned and made to stay at a mental health clinic, where he got better, until the next episode. It was a continuing cycle. I found it hard to deal with as I didn’t understand what had happened to my brother, he was no longer himself. Eventually he was better again, but we didn’t hear from him for a while coming up to the 5th anniversary of our mum’s death. We started to get worried and drove to his flat, his flat mates told us they’d not seen him in a couple of days. That was it, me and my sister had a hunch that something wasn’t right. We reported him missing and for a week spent every minute of every day searching for him. He had left behind any form of I.d, his phone, wallet, bank cards etc and we just knew that something was not right. The next day we had a knock on the door that every family dreads. He’d been found at the bottom of beachy head in Eastbourne by a passer by, and formally identified as my brother, with a note addressed to us.. a suicide note. I don’t think I had ever experienced such pain in my life, guilt, anger, grief, despair and so many other emotions. Five months on and I’ve been diagnosed with depression and major anxiety. My thoughts are of which I wouldn’t wish on anybody, and even though I know the pain my brother has caused my family, I can’t help but think what if I did the same, I would get to be with him and my mum. I wouldn’t have to feel like this anymore, I would be free. I just can’t see myself ever being anything but that sad girl who’s lost half her immediate family. I feel so alone and scared to carry on, I just want my life back. I feel abandoned in this world and have no idea how to just move on and get over it, I can’t. But I have to somehow.