Past my welcome

I delay suicide because I’m afraid of the other side but deep down I know things will never be OK. Everything’s telling that I’ve long past my welcome… I’ve no money or friends and I’m financially dependent upon society and family to stay alive, everyone who’s known me thinks I’m a joke of a person, and i’m too damaged to function in society or ever be good at anything. I am either brain damaged or was born with an intellectual disability and I have no ability or personality to belong on this earth. I fooled myself into thinking I was getting better but I’ll always be this loser. I just watched a video of the girl I’ve loved for years joking about with someone I dislike and it felt like it was cutting deep into my soul, a reminder of everything that I’m not (I should’ve been able to joke about and have something that would make me unique and valued, except she hated me and knew I was a retarded freak). That happens all the time… everyone I’ve ever liked ends up hating me and if I stay I know it’ll be the same with my family. I don’t see the sense in dragging out this useless existence only to disappoint and drain everything around me. I think this is it. I’m ready to go. I’m so afraid of what will happen, the amount of pain i’m going to be in and whether there is a God I must answer to. I don’t want to go to Hell but I think that’s what God would have in store for me. I want to make sure that I die so I will use multiple methods, I’ll drink myself blind then shoot myself in the head and fall from some height. If there is one person on this earth I would give an arm for it would be my aunt who became the best mother I could ask for and it hurts so much to not know whether she’ll manage in hearing about my death but I can’t take it anymore. I hope that my passing will pave the way for new life and she will not break inside and be able to live the rest of her life without constantly having to worry about me and all my mistakes. So many people have been right about me, I’ve not deserved the air I’ve breathed and my life has just inflicted pain and annoyance on others.