The big question whist happens after we die, where do we go. Do we go into a spiritual realm for tortured souls, do we go into nothing, do we go into a dream world for good, do we see others that are past,do we go to heaven, do we go to hell? These are the questions that every one wonders, even the most religious person must think in the back of their minds I hope there is a heaven. So to kill yourself is a sin and then we end up in hell. Whet if you think life is hell, why is there such a bad world out there if god is do mighty and loving as they say .
I am a agnostic I believe in something but I don’t know what. What is it out there why am I here. We seem like ants and there a so many of us in the world running round in circles really going no where. I tried to find a meaning to all of this, but there is no meaning to be found. Why was I raped , why was I an addict, why didn’t I have any of my dreams happen. I remember thinking that when I worked with people that were homeless and traumatised I felt a piece of spirituality. I felt by helping people I was making a difference in the world. I worked with men and woman sleeping on the street and when I had worked for months and finally giving them a key to a unit after them having had no home for some times 20 years and just looking at their faces. Was the most spiritual feeling I could ever have had. It kept me grounded in one of the most expensive cities in the world. I would work with a poor man over a rich man any day of the year. This to me was the essence of spirituality truly being there for some one in a in selfless acts. Now the tables have turned and I have been homeless for a year. Firstly because I had to give up work to get well, and I didn’t get well ?i had to work to keep house paid and because of my addiction I had to stop work and get well which I thought would be a short process but I didn’t stop using cause I had no stable base. I then fell I love with a guy that had years away from drugs a near decade. He said I will tAke care of you and you will have some where to live. I was vulnerable and trusted him, he then started using my weaknesses to control me. He would rage over things that were not my problem,he would get jealous, insecure, read my phone , diaries and anything about me he could get his hands on. He would then touch me in places that I didn’t like and even if I did tell him that he would keep going. He would make me feel like I didn’t know who I was. I started to feel weak inside. What could I do if I left I would be homeless, one day he was so angry that he tried to scare me in a car. He deliberately drove it sideways and trapped me in the car when I shook and begged and cried to be let out. He didn’t let me out he kept me inside trapped. I later asked why or how he didn’t let me out and his reply was because you would have run off. He said his sorry’s again and he’ll never rage and never risk my life and then he would always do it again. I was so lost I wanted to leave but had no home or no where safe to go. I was trapped. Again I was in domestic violence and didn’t even know it,he had a the power the house, money and knew if I left it would be hard. Finally my parents came and stayed and he couldn’t contain his issues and he finally felt like he was losing control, so my mother plucked me out of there and I am now homeless with no housing options and things have been extremely hard. I am traumatised too and feel like ending my life as its hard to see out of this. I feel like after helping thousands of people find homes why if there was something out there helping me, why can’t I get helped. This brings me to the question of why things are like this and if there was god why don’t I deserve it. My year has turned out into,unemployment, trauma, addiction, domestic violence, severe depression, beating myself up, pregnancy / miscarriage and more. Why do I even deserve this life. I can say I’m a pselfish disgusting ***** who deserves to be in the place I am. Cause I am so damaged from this year all I can do is beat up on myself I’ve got nothing kind to myself to say. I’m full of worthlessness and I would prefer to die than have another life like this. And there’s relief in death there’s a light at the end of the tunnel it’s finally ended all the struggling. I mean it could be a cop out as some people see and selfish but for me its relief even having that option makes me feel relieved. I ve tried to be happy, I’ve tried to get myself right and I keep having horrible experiences and that keeps adding to the trauma. So I feel relieved that I don’t have to go on living that I can find relief from taking my own life. That’ it’s all going to be over and that in then ect chapter people who love me can stop worrying and I can be free. I want to be free the hunger of life and the dissapointment it brings. You can see how the happiness just shines in people when they make that decision. Cause there’s no more fighting and not being able to breathe. I am trapped no longer. I can be free of bad luck,I don’t have to worry about solving all these problems. I don’t have to feel like a loser with nothing, I can no longer stay alive because other people want me to be, I don’t have to be scared , I don’t have to live up to societies expectations and other people’s expectations. Suicide is freedom and it is the unknown. Is it ok to be afraid of the unknown but more scared of the known. God take me now my time has come. This is where I was suppose to be on the other side, maybe I am needed there more than I ever was here, I’m less afraid of death than ever before cut this life short. I know the road ahead and nothing lies there. If I had of had that baby things would be different and I would love that child because it’s the essence of spirituality but that along with many choices has gone. The cruelust of all was taking the heart beat of the little babies away and having the only thing that I’ve ever wanted ripped from my heart. The one happiness that I needed to stay alive die. I was the most grief stricken I’ve ever felt. So angry it was stolen and when that baby died so did I. My last chance and you say its loving well I died that day. I’m not afraid of the death that’s coming I’m afraid of the life I’m living. Rest in peace I will be die very soon and that brings joy to my heart xxx