Ah, I return back to the dark abyss called my memories. Let me describe one that encompassed the last three years of my life:
Not too long ago, I got involved in some pretty bad things. Throughout this, I will never say exactly what, but a clever mind can fit the puzzle pieces together. I was 15-16, just looking into the world of the internet. I had discovered things no child should ever see, noted by the obvious adult only signs.
Eventually, I started talking to real people on the internet. Granted, they were mostly males because that’s who mainly was interested in me. That stroke of fate, I would later find out, would leave me feeling the worst I have ever felt. Of all the people I met, so many of them asked me for something I was uncomfortable giving away. “If you show me your (insert body part here), I’ll show you something good (or variations of this)” became a familiar phrase to me quickly.
How could I say no when I felt like they cared about me immensely? This is what I wanted from my life, to be loved and cared about. This is bliss to a fifteen year old that’s only faced rejection, right? One of these people had me so head over heals in love with him, that I was willing to agree to marry him one day. But day after day, even when I begged him not to, he asked me to do the things I feel have corrupted me. I couldn’t say no, rejection hurt too bad. Seeing them angry, sad, or disappointed almost killed me. I got caught by my mom, and she jerked my whole world away from me, in vain attempt to “keep me safe”.
Unfortunately, I found a way around this road block. Every opportunity I got, I talked to this guy until something came up that scared me to death. It was then that I realized I needed to escape. After that experience, I continued to do similar things up until very recently. I hated the person I was, and I know it’s still part of me. I’m taking such a huge risk for myself by just posting on here again.
All this left me feeling: hurt, alone, scared, dirty, angry, shameful, and hopeless.
Often, I ask myself if I’m a bad person because of the things I did, or what kind of person I will turn out to be. I’ve come a long way in the last two years, but I still struggle with who I was/am, having tendencies to revert back into that person.