When I was about 12 – 13 years old (I’m now 24) thought I was gay. I started going on a forum where I met a girl called Serena. I spoke to her every single day, eventually we decided to be girlfriends. Being that age I really felt like I was in love, I loved speaking to her over the net and by text. She’d get me to leave voicemails too, I’d do anything for her. It was so nice finally having someone to talk to, I didn’t have any friends and was always bullied… She made everything so much better.
This carried on for months, but then we had a slight argument about meeting up. I didn’t hear from her for the whole day, we never went that long without speaking. Then my phone started ringing, I answered it and it was Bob, her step dad.
He told me Serena had gotten so upset, and because she had problems with her heart she had gone into hospital and was going to have a major operation. He would call and text each day to keep me updated, he was so kind and understanding. Then one day he called, he told me she died during the operation. It killed me, I didn’t know what to do. He wanted to see me, to make me feel better. I can’t remember why but I didn’t go to see him. I cried all the time and began cutting. I couldn’t cope with the guilt… It was my fault she died, if she hadn’t of met me it would of never of happened.
I spent years like this, thinking of her every day, crying and feeling so guilty for what I had caused. One day when I was 19 I woke up and everything just hit me. She was never real, it was a pedophile. The girl I thought I loved and spent hours each day talking to didn’t exist. She never died, I had been mourning the loss of someone that didn’t exist. I’d been feeling guilty for something that never happened.
i never really talk about it, but it messes with my head on a daily basis. It confuses me so much and I don’t know how I’m meant to feel.
im just a mess, really struggling with it… This is where all my mental health issues started,C it makes me so angry that it’s down to a very sick person.
Sorry for going on…
I feel so stupid.
i can’t live for much longer, life is so messed up.
4 comments
Wow, that’s immensely f***ed up. I’m glad you didn’t go to meet this creeper but sorry it scarred you so bad. People are shitty and despite what they say about time healing all wounds, I know that we’re never the same. Sending you strength and love.
I know how hard it is to lose a love and feel like it is all your fault. So I do not want to minimize your experience, I know how deep your pain has been (wether the loss was an actual real event or not). But I can’t help thinking of how your shock and grief saved you from a REAL LIFE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, EMOTIONAL and perhaps, SPITITUAL TRAUMA and possibly death.
SOMETHING saved you.
If you had gone, and survived…you would have felt the grief and loss of the fabricated love, endured god knows what and still been left with the pain and confusion and guilt and so much more.
Childhood sexual abuse, rape…death. You were saved.
I think if you are “meant” to feel anything, you are meant to feel shocked, confused. Angry. Terrified. Devastated. Vulnerable. Paranoid. But I think you might also be “meant” to feel grateful. Grateful that you were not raped and or killed by this very sick person. That you were not after all accountable in any way for the death of another. However, it may be essential to fully feel all the other emotions before you can settle into that place of gratitude.
This is certainly something worth talking to a therapist about; if you haven’t explored that option before. This is still a real life trauma even if it was not physical.
As for your mental health being the victim of one sick person….that seems to be a very common issue or source of mental illness….One person wreaking havoc in the mind of another. It IS a cruel sick world, filled with a darkness some of us could never even imagine. But it is also a soft, beautiful world, filled with a light beyond our wildest dreams. I do not know what your mental illness is. But so many are treatable, curable….with raw honesty, dedication and assistance….some are not. Some are life long illness to which there is no truly efficacious treatment, remission or cure.
I hope for you…Find strength if only for another day……
Wow. That is really messed up. Good thing you didn’t meet ‘her’ though. I mean, otherwise you could be worse of than you were. Still, it’s a horrible thing to do to someone at that age. Child predators really don’t care about anyone but themselves.
I’ve heard that some people who develop a sexual attraction to minors seek psychiatric help. They can be chemically treated to suppress their libido and mitigate their danger to society. The ones you hear about on the news don’t care about the damage they do. They destroy tens, sometimes hundreds of lives for their own deviant gratification, and they don’t ever feel remorse for any of their victims. Those people, the ones who don’t try to control their urges, should never be allowed back into the general population.
Firstly, I feel your pain… this torturing feeling of betrayal in life, what once felt so real.. actually never existed, like a hallucination.
But I do suggest one thing.. if you still know how to find that Bob.. try… just TRY.. to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him.. if you can manage it though. Could be that he wanted you to be as his daughter that he never had.
You see… we are all have been brainwashed, taught in school and pressured by the social norms and taboos of what is right or wrong, what is good or bad.. but the reality is that we ALL have this sacred and most sincere dreams / wishes / desires… which the social norms forbids by saying that it is UNNATURAL and bad, when in fact it IS natural – our purest desires to be as close as possible with each other and we DO dream of one another all the time, be it male or female.
For weeks I had this flow of many many thoughts that is keeping awake even if I am tired after working in a forest.. I am sleeping less and less these days as well. It is all became so clear to me, that I just want to change the way I live and basically the world around me.. I want people to begin speak their minds, to stop repeating what system told us to say, to stop blaming someone else for our fails and find a courage to express ourselves as sincerely as possible. If we are as one conciousness (which is quite obvious, just read thoroughly what people are longing for), then why not start looking at the world the way YOU want it to be.
For many years I have been acting coldly, rudely and indifferent.. just like many of us do (due to FEAR of that others MIGHT think negatively about me), but if I do not change anything and just wait for a miracle to happen, then I think it will never change.. so now I am trying to move aside my ego and honestly look in to the eyes of another human, who is no one but ME. If someone think I should be locked out for expressing myself..so be it.. I do not blame them if they feel this is a humane thing to do to me. Just ask yourself honestly.. what are your longing for from the bottom of your heart in this life of ours ? I know what it is…
..The infinite, boundless, pure and warming love in a heart of EVERY human.