When I was about 12 – 13 years old (I’m now 24) thought I was gay. I started going on a forum where I met a girl called Serena. I spoke to her every single day, eventually we decided to be girlfriends. Being that age I really felt like I was in love, I loved speaking to her over the net and by text. She’d get me to leave voicemails too, I’d do anything for her. It was so nice finally having someone to talk to, I didn’t have any friends and was always bullied… She made everything so much better.
This carried on for months, but then we had a slight argument about meeting up. I didn’t hear from her for the whole day, we never went that long without speaking. Then my phone started ringing, I answered it and it was Bob, her step dad.
He told me Serena had gotten so upset, and because she had problems with her heart she had gone into hospital and was going to have a major operation. He would call and text each day to keep me updated, he was so kind and understanding. Then one day he called, he told me she died during the operation. It killed me, I didn’t know what to do. He wanted to see me, to make me feel better. I can’t remember why but I didn’t go to see him. I cried all the time and began cutting. I couldn’t cope with the guilt… It was my fault she died, if she hadn’t of met me it would of never of happened.
I spent years like this, thinking of her every day, crying and feeling so guilty for what I had caused. One day when I was 19 I woke up and everything just hit me. She was never real, it was a pedophile. The girl I thought I loved and spent hours each day talking to didn’t exist. She never died, I had been mourning the loss of someone that didn’t exist. I’d been feeling guilty for something that never happened.
i never really talk about it, but it messes with my head on a daily basis. It confuses me so much and I don’t know how I’m meant to feel.
im just a mess, really struggling with it… This is where all my mental health issues started,C it makes me so angry that it’s down to a very sick person.
Sorry for going on…
I feel so stupid.
i can’t live for much longer, life is so messed up.