Some days

So after about 2 hours of sleep last night, I bolt up wide awake after yet another extremely vivid dreams that I’m sure was chock full of all sorts of metaphors about why  I need to die soon. Exhausted, but I know I’m not going back to sleep. I start playing some poker online, won a bit, then lost a bit, so broke even. Feeling a little better about not getting wiped out at poker. But my mind keeps drifting back to my dream. It’s difficult to know if it was a nightmare or not. It’s wasn’t unpleasant. And perhaps that is the nightmare. It was of course another dream about how I thought things would be, and then I wake up and realize it was all just lies. So my mood suffers. Then I get a call from my dad wanting me to come help with a project he’s working on, and instantly I start feeling the touch of agoraphobia I’ve developed recently. I don’t want to leave the house. But I know he needs the help, so I force myself out into the world. The whole time I keep looking at my dad and mom and think about all the pain I know I’ve caused them due to the failures of my life, and how I’m doomed to cause them even more when I exit this shitty life. I wish I could change that, but I know I can’t keep going on anymore. Something inside me has just given up. I’m apathetic about most things. Other things just make me want to collapse. I used to be a strong person, but I just can’t seem to muster any willpower anymore other than to do away with myself. That is my sole focus in life. Death. It can’t come soon enough. This needs to end.