“I think I saw you in my sleep, darling,
I think I saw you in my dreams you were
Stitching up the seams on every broken promise
That your body couldn’t keep.
I think I saw you in my sleep.” -La Dispute, Such Small Hands
I’m 19 and constantly thinking of suicide. How I’ll do it, that which will trigger it, and sometimes I wonder how people I knew would react to it. My reasons are nothing new and if anything, are probably shallow. What I assume would cause me to finally take those last few steps into the grave that I wish to lay in, is losing my girlfriend finally, and for good. We’ve been together for over a year now and with in that year, she’s bought me plenty of things, told me how much I mean to her, adored me I guess you could say. On the flip side, she’s lied to me about a million things, varying in extremes, and finally, yesterday, I caught her in two more massive lies right after I begged her to stop lying to me. Right after she promised me she wouldn’t, again.
“I thought I heard the door open, oh no,
I thought I heard the door open but
I only heard it close.
I thought I heard a plane crashing, but
Now I think it was your passion snapping.” -La Dispute, Such Small Hands
Those lies were about her going to another guys house and his feelings for her. I feel our relationship coming to an abrupt stop despite her tears and crying of how I’m the only one for her, oh. No matter what I say, I can’t get her to truly tell me whats on her mind, or maybe she is telling the truth but I just can’t trust it anymore? It makes me sick. She isn’t my first love, the first girl I had sex with, not the first anything yet I’m more attached to her than anyone else I’ve ever been with and losing her just feels like too much. But again, thats just what I believe would finally push me over the edge.
I’ve been depressed, beat, tired, lost, dying, for awhile now. I’ve lost all of my friends one way or another to the point of only having 2 left that I talk to maybe every other day? My family puts every action I make under a microscope and picks it apart, leaving me as the bad guy in the end. When they talk to me like a dog, sometimes I question this and bring it up, to which they simply retort with “You just don’t like my tone and it pisses you off because I don’t say it how you like it.” Of course that isn’t word for word but its close. Maybe I am doing something wrong in their eyes. My father and I have never seen eye to eye. After a last fight, I finally believe that he is verbally abusive, or that maybe I really am just a ***** that can’t take the way he treats me and other people.
I don’t enjoy much of anything anymore. I don’t enjoy Video Games, Basketball, Magic the gathering, all things I was very passionate about. I find slight comfort in my favorite band, La Dispute, but I fear that even that will be taken away from me by this all eating depression. I’ve tried talking to tons of people but I just get answers like “Well.” and “Have you tried talking to someone about this?” or “Just watch a movie and get you mind off it.” I feel alone as the walls continue to close in. Not sure whats going to happen anymore. I just want to sleep.