Well, that could almost be the story of my life.
But I’ve never been much of a drug addict.
I’ve taken a lot of crap from people and kept my mouth shut.
Now I want to take some shit to shut up the crap in my head (see what I did there?)
The stuff is called N, it comes in powdered form, it was not purchased for this purpose.
I get unbelievably lonely and bored as I don’t have a job or many mates to hang with.
I’m like the 60’s housewife popping pills to get through her day.
I need to man (woman?) up and do stuff with my life, but I get paralysed by apathy and depression. I’ve been ‘doing’ stuff for donkey’s years now (I’m 52 for Pete’s sake) and where’s it got me? Back here on SP, communing with tormented souls like you, dear reader. No one could accuse me of not trying hard enough or putting myself ‘out there’, so please, no generic advice on getting hobbies or whatnot! No offence…lol.
So yeah, I got the N, and no admin, this is not a discussion of methods so puh-leeze don’t delete my post!
I’ve been using the N to ‘Numb it All’ and it works. It’s hard to care about shit when you’re staggering about scarcely knowing if you’re coming or going. It isn’t unlike alcohol, but I really don’t get along with alcohol. Only illegal barbs will do for me (jk).
The days are just too empty and long, dear SP’ers. A bit like this post.
I should probably have titled it ‘Dying of Boredom’.
‘Numbitall’ takes all that away for an hour or so…makes me forget about being an abject failure at life. Makes me not give two shits about it. Sometimes I have a lovely little nap. When not staggering about on N I am just watching the clock until the next meal time.
Please no one try this at home! Withdrawal from barbs is notoriously ghastly.
So I’m trying my damnedest to stay sober and clean, just for today as the AA saying goes.
Love you guys.
10 comments
Ah, glad to hear from you again, began to grow a little worrisome, but from our past conversations you didn’t seem seem as if you would be ending anytime soon, so I digress.
Ah, N. Been hearing good things about it. Not my cup of tea though.
Sorry I don’t have much else to say. It’s ridiculous that i’m either at a loss of words or don’t know when to shut up, never in the middle. Ah, oh well. If you need a conversationalist i’ll oblige.
Love you too, Seppuku.
Numbitall… *nods with approval* I’d kick my own arse just to get my hands on that stuff. Instead, I’m stuck with wannabe morphine, antidepressants and nerve…relaxants? I have no idea what it’s supposed to be. That will probably change in the next week as my bone density has drastically lessened, resulting in a lot more pain on my behalf (I’d been moving around though, so why wouldn’t the bone have gained more density?)
Anyway, I feel ya for sure. I don’t mean to make light of your situation or anything, but I can NEVER see myself reaching your age at any capacity whatsoever. It’s just one of those things I’ve known since a young age; that I’d never get to grow old. I sure as feck feel old, but…y’know.
Thank you for noticing my absence snuffles, I’m touched. Actually I was here mostly, but sometimes I don’t feel like saying anything, however I follow all of your exploits with great interest my SP friends. And thanks for the offer of conversation! I’m a bit like you – often at a loss for what to say. But you do a great job of supporting and listening to a lot of peeps here snuffles. (That name’s a far cry from stabbymike, lolol! Is this part of your transformation from ex-thug into cuddly fluffy animal?)
Shepherd, I feel for your situation soooo much. I thought of you a bit when I wrote this post, knowing your more-than-friendly relationship with alcohol I understand addicts better than ever now, though I’m so paranoid about withdrawals that it hopefully won’t come to that.
Yes, as I understand it the more weight bearing exercise you do the better the bone density should be.
It seriously hacks me off that a young guy like you should be languishing with an injury like that, when you were so fit and active, in the military for godssakes. I never saw you post about how it happened, but if you don’t want to talk about it I totally understand.
You come across as much older than you are Shep. You’ve really got a man-of-the-world, somewhat world-weary quality. I can’t believe you’re only 21 or something, or did I get that wrong?
Frankly I understand not seeing yourself getting to be 52! I should probably try and pep you up and reassure you that you’ll live to be a grand old man or something, but in all honesty I can’t can I? I mean, my presence on this site gives me away for starters.
Thanks to you both for making me feel wanted!
Snuffles was born when I made the change to another alias. That was how a now former user addressed my in short of that nickname. In memory of him, I changed to that nickname, but yeah, the transformation thing seems like a solid reason too, though I never quite thought of it in that sense.
Ps, admins, I beg you, please don’t delete this post! I’m only nattering with my mates, not discussing methods! (Totally paranoid about mentioning N).
It’s good to see you around seppuku. I’ve noticed you will post a comment here and there, but as snuffymike alluded, you’re presence has been missed.
That’s an interesting coping mechanism to say the least, but I guess whatever gets you through the day… I think I pretty much just have to distract myself with other people’s problems or work to manage, but even then I’m more and more unstable and all over the emotional spectrum.
I know what you mean about Shep seeming older. When I first started frequenting the site, I thought he was at least a little more than a decade older than me, but it’s the other way around.
Anyways, glad to see you around.
Yes, Cope, I’m still very much here, I just tend to go quiet, then get a bit loud, then quiet again. It’s kind of a mood thing. All that bipolar stuff. Rest assured I keep myself updated with all your doings! I’m really glad you’ve stuck around with us Cope, you are a great addition to the forum. I have a tendency to envy anyone that has a job, though I also realise how damn stressful work can be, so I’m kind of undecided on the matter.
I know I need more productive activity in my life though. I practically live on bloody forums! Recently I’ve begun blogging again, and I email a guy regularly, it’s a while since I was doing that, it’s done me a lot of good, I had so much bottled up and he seems to genuinely like reading what I write so hopefully a win-win. Was also inspired to catch up with an old email buddy with whom I lapsed contact. I’d been putting that off but missing him, so finally I bit the bullet and emailed him. Hope he still wants to know me lol.
Today I’ve been busy writing and reading and the existential angst has held off, so maybe I’ll get through today without numbing it all lol. Must try to get out for a goddamned walk but I can’t say the outside world is all that inviting…I truly do love my little hideaway but you’ve got to exercise haven’t you?
Lunch is calling me. Speak again soon.xx
Well, I’ve mainly stuck around because of the pact I made that I’d kill myself on the autumnal equinox if things hadn’t improved, but some friends I’ve made through this site have definitely helped make the time more tolerable. Those emails and posts make a difference.
I never really established criteria though and don’t know what to think. In some ways my life is better and in some ways it’s worse. I think part of me just really wants to die and the other part wants to hope but knows that there isn’t any hope to be found and still tries anyway fully aware of the disappointment I’m setting myself up for.
I dispute that I’m a great addition. I wish I could respond better and help better more. There is nothing great about me.
Well I respectfully disagree Cope. You ‘cope’ with having a proper job – I admire that in anyone who suffers from mental distress. The tragedy of many of us here is that we don’t see the good in ourselves that others readily can. We support others to the best of our ability – I often feel totally inadequate too, who wouldn’t in the face of the enormous amount of suffering we witness just here on this site? And I like your sense of humour and your decency.
We’re all great for surviving against the odds we face. Think of how badly you were treated as a kid, all the bullying that left you feeling worthless and ashamed. Would you ever turn on another and try to make them feel that way? I seriously doubt that Cope. You refrain from dishing out the cruelty you received. That in itself makes you great in my eyes. I stand by what I’ve said. This place is richer for having you be a part of it.
xx
Hi seppuku, nice to see you. So you got N… Its not easy to get, well at least not here (no i dont want to get any)