get me thru this night
i am a single mother have been even tho i am married. the man has never been there, he was always off drinking while i was at home taking care of things. not saying i dont mind it….i love my son so much and i would do anyting for him. now my son is two, and im filing for divorce since my life with my husband became physically and mentially abusive…sorry if i have spelling errors…so i left him a year and a half ago. i have been doing the whole single mom thing and it was going well…but these bills are starting to consume me. i feel like im drowning. i feel so alone, i have no one i can talk to because i know they will call someone and have me put in the hospital. and i do not want that. idk maybe i need it. i dont have ins. currently and i lost my job that i was making 12 an hour at. now im down to 10 an hour. that two pay cut just killed me. my anx. is higher then ever…i think about killing myself everynight i take my meds to calm me and ease my pain. i have reached out for help and i always get the run around or they are closed after i have been on hold for 30 min. i have no wher to turn…i told my mom sunday i wanted to kill myself because i dont think i can take much more of this. and she goes on and on about how her bio daugher is having hearing loss and other issues. i then got angry and started to cry because i just told her i wanted to off my self and she told me i should not be worried. she has no idea the hurt and pain i have been sufffering since i was 3….my bio sister sexually abused me and almost killed me at the age of 12. so for 8 years of my life i was in pure hell…and when i tried to tell them what was going on…they called me a lier…my suffering goes so deep…but yet i hide it all behind a smile and pretend im ok…because that is what im to do as an adult….i lost the man i love in a motocycle accedent back in 2010…lost our child i didnt even know we had due to stress, got married because i thought that would fix my problem but he made it worse. …i think about finding some place really high and jumping off in to the ocean after taking sleeping pills closing my eyes half way down and hoping like hell i pass out b4 i hit the water….if i could do something to make to pain feel better i would do that…i dont want to feel this way anymore. i want to be happy like a normal person…i want to go to school but how the fuck will i have time..my rent just got raised to 700 a month..i cant even do what i have now. i am so lost and overwhelmed…and tired. i just wish i had someone to talk to and lean on and confide in.
3 comments
I hear your pain and anxiety. You have every reason to feel anxious. You are responding normally to a brutal situation. Your mother is totally insensitive to your needs, but then I don’t have to tell you that. Good for you, getting a divorce. Can your lawyer or representative get you some child support? I know very little about such matters because I’ve never married. But I do know about suicide and pain. Is there anyone who can take care of your son while you get your mind together? I feel at a loss to help you and I wish I could. I’m so sorry life has been so cruel to an obviously good person. I wish I could help more.
What I can say is that if you kill yourself, your son won’t have you ever again in the future. Your love is important to him. No one can replace a mother’s love. You know that from personal experience. Perhaps best to place him somewhere safe for now while you become more secure, financially and emotionally.
Is there a University medical center near you? They sometimes have the option of treating people in dire straights with state support. Keep trying with social services. Keep trying. Your son needs you.
I hear your pain. I have no place to go and have been living with my mom for 3 years now. I was drugged and raped and have been harassed over a period of 5 1/2 years. I was poisoned twice and spent several months in the hospital only to be tortured by some very non supportive staff. After the rape I found out my ex was a pedophile and had been molesting my son. I am not successful at work or in life in general. I am currently withdrawing from psych meds that were tampered with. Financially speaking, I have enough for the first months rent, but nothing to sustain us after that. I called a shelter thinking that I could just get away from the harassment and they said they have a waiting list. Im not of much use to my son and seem to be a beat up doll to those that are harassing me. I want out soo bad but I cant seem to carry through with it. Plus if I do carry through and survive I will be further harassed. Anyway, I can relate. You might consider walking away and going to a shelter with your son. It will suck at first but they typically try to help get women on their feet and help them to establish secure housing. It means sacrifice, which, I would be more than willing to make right now if I knew I would no longer be harassed or poisoned. I know this sounds very far fetched and to an extent paranoid, but there are people that derive joy from imposing harm on someone. When they have money its nearly impossible to fight and or prove their actions. Your not alone!
Ladies, sorry for what happened to you. you are true fighter, brave and courageous! maybe you can get in touch with an NGO or association that help women, single mums? For money you may consider doing things like sawing clothes or handmade jewelry or..handmade magnets, something vintage that is so popular these days. Good luck and be brave!