It all begins with a scream, the scream of an innocent kid who was born in this life of sin .. that kid is me ” Ahmed Mansy”
and this is my story *well it’s not the whole story, i’m kinda bad in english so it’s a summary* , the story of my suicidal trip who was filled with good and bad days.
I grew up in my grandpa house because my parents got divorced when i was like 7 or 8 years i didn’t care or i didn’t know what’s happening i was just a little kid and everything was just too pure and lovely my grandpa used to care so much about me i saw with him one of the best days of my whole childhood and life, he didn’t care about money or education more than happiness and love he was 71 years old but still have a heart of a little child, i was so fucking happy back then.
And then everything changed i started to notice the absence of my father and how much i needed a man to tell me what’s wrong and what’s right and my mother had to become a mother and a father in the same time she worked for like 8 hours a day and when she come back she went to sleep for the rest of the day so i basically i had no father or mother.
i started going to school and i was so fucking different than others kid, in the beginning i got bullied because i was weak and alone and i had no father or friends to protect me so i stared selling out and become one of them and forgetting how i really was deep inside so i stared get into fights and doing some bad shits to become ”cool” and finally i’ve become the man i hated the most a sell out and an attention seeker i had everything a girl friend, ”fake” friends, fame and more shits like that.
i lied to myself in this dark period of my life that everything is alright but everything started to become more fucked up, i started drinking, smoking and doing drugs because i really wanted to escape from reality because you know society here *i’m from alexandria egypt btw* is fucked, totally fucked and i lost everything i ever loved, i got kicked out of my school because they found drugs and weapons with me, i failed in school and i had to repeat the whole year again, i lost my best friend and he got into a fight with me and he started to talk about really bad shits behind my back, my parents knew that i’ve been doing drugs so i escaped from my home two times and i lost the girl i loved for 2 years *i still love her even that we didn’t talk for 6 months* .
I Started to hate everything but i knew deep inside that it’s no one fault but my own so i started to change i went to a different school with different people and tried to be nice with them but once again i got rejected from society and i felt alone again and suicidal thoughts were fucking my mind so finally i did it, i woke up in 30/10/2013 i wear my best clothes i brought a couple bottles of gin and BOOM a car accident i really thought i was FINALLY DEAD! because i really lost faith in humans and even in god but you know the worst feeling when you attempt suicide and then you wake up alive and you feel sad, my leg got broken and i got scars all over my faces and body and i was totally FUCKED.
I Stayed in home for like 4 months because of my broken leg no interent, no tv, no friend just me and my ill mind and i wanted to kill myself again but before doing it i said i gotta write a perfect suicide note so everyone will know the truth behind me so i wrote more than 200 pages ABOUT EVERYTHING, Friendship, Love, Crime, Death, Politics, Education, Religion, Society and the basics of life, and that was the first time i really knew myself and i didn’t do it.
Reality wasn’t real for me i really didn’t give a fuck about things or people i used to love, and i started to see the bad things in everything and everyone because i was in their places and i was bad like them so i really know what they’re thinking about so i begin to hate everything i used to love because it wasn’t really real for me and you know what they say ” Life is a beautiful lie and death is a painful death ” how come a human can care about people and he doesn’t care about himself? i was like that i didn’t care for my mother, father, grandpa or anyone even myself and i started doing everything without thinking about the results like fuck it maybe it’s my last day because the suicide option is always there so i fucked up my life again.
She was my only hope, my only reason to stay she made me love life before falling in love her but like i told you before i fucked up everything i lost feelings i can’t feel anything i can’t feel love! i really need her and i really want her and i’ll never love a girl her, i tried and i had many relationships after her but i can’t ! i can’t love anyone like her! i really miss how i used to be with her! how i used to be a human :’)
Days passed and lot of shits happened like discovering the truth about everything and i can’t tell to exactly everything because you know english is not my mother language and i can’t express it in English, i begin to do drugs again this time i took pills and i tried to commit suicide but i ended up getting high instead and i started to self harm and cutting my wrists was really normal for me but something inside me made feel alive again, i used my ”demons” to help people, how? i’ll tell you .. i used my past and mistakes to help people who’s in the same road of depression, drugs, or anything similar to me and i really made a difference in their life! so i quit doing drugs, i went to a gym, but still depression was there just like cancer it fucks your mind and body.
2 weeks ago, i was really depressed in a morning and i stared slitting my wrists again but i ended up sleeping and when i woke up i was going with my best friend to the beach and when i met them they saw my scars you what they said? THEY SAID NOTHING BUT JOKES ABOUT HOW I WAS HIGH AND SHIT and they ignored me for the rest of the day! the problem is i can’t handle depression alone:’D i returned to my home and started drinking again and again and again until she called me! the girl i loved actually called me! i don’t know why now but she really called me in one of my darkest days and she made me feel human again! temporally but i felt it she told me that she cared but we didn’t talk after she went to sleep until now
2 days ago, depression won the battle i’ve decided to finally kill myself once and for all i’ll wait until 22 Augstus because there’s a lot of things left to do and say before really doing it, well i hope i find hope and continue my left but that seems a dream, i really can’t express everything in English but i swear that’s not the whole story that the summary or a summary and i forget to say a lot of events but people don’t need problems to become depressed, depression is like nature we can’t explain nature or depression, and you know what’s the problem? i’ve tried everything! my mother and my father and my friends know about my suicidal plans even if i didn’t tell them directly, 3 therapist saw me and gave me medicines but nothing happened i really lost my mind and started to talk to myself in public and my future seems hopeless and the idea of killing myself makes me chill a little bit and then wake up to this goddamn pretty nightmare.
Well i guess that’s all what i can write for the moment, i don’t know really why i’m writing this but maybe because i’m alone and i really need to express my feelings to anyone.
isn’t it weird? that it all begins with a scream and ends with a smile?
and you maybe ask why the post name is ” The Forgotten ” my family name is ”Mansy” and everyone calls me mansy and mansy means forgotten in arabic, that’s why i’ve born forgotten and i’ll die forgotten.