Since I was in grade 8, I’ve contemplated suicide. I think about it almost every day, the thing that triggers it is so stupid, too.
I’ll be reading a book, and there will be a scene where the mother is really nice, loving and close to the child.
So, then I start thinking about my mother, thinking about how she’s never said those beautiful, kind, loving words to me. Ever.
Then, it escalates more, I start thinking about more painful memories or thoughts.
And sometimes if I’m lucky, the emotional pain turns slowly into stomach pains, I don’t even know how that works… but it happens.
But it’s a bearable pain, it’s not like normal pains, it’s more like the uncomfortable pain you get when you’re hungry.
So, I’ve learnt to deal with it, but in the last few weeks everyone has been pushing and prodding me, so now the pain is starting to turn into an awful pain.
The one word that can really describe it is lurching. The pain is so bad that my stomach actually tells my brain to move my back forward in a lurch sort of way, so it looks like I’m folding over myself.
Ugh, it’s sort of hard to explain. I can’t really explain anything.
I get pains in my back and head also, I feel old and broken. Always in pain no matter how comfortable. Most of the time I feel like I can’t breathe, can’t catch my breath. Feel like I’m suffocating, to be honest.
Everything around me seems so far away today, if that makes sense, and my stomach pains are starting to tighten around my waist.
I’ve only tried to kill myself once, I tried to OD on nurofen. Nurofen. Really? I was stupid enough to think nurofen would kill me.
Anyway, I took about 40 pills or so, it didn’t do anything obviously, hence why I’m writing this.
But honestly, I’m just tired. So, so, so, so, so, very, tired.
When I say tired, I mean all sorts of tired. Tired of never sleeping, tired of the stomach pains, tired of feeling guilty, tired of feeling pain, tired of feeling and just so goddamn tired of life. Just, tired.
I feel like I’ve lived for 100 years, seen the world, had kids and now I’m tired. If only I could close my eyes and float away to paradise, peaceful dying.
That’s the ideal way to die in my eyes, dying in your sleep. Couldn’t die any better, sleeping is my favourite thing to do, so, sleeping plus dying is fan-tas-tic.
I can’t do this anymore, I seriously can’t do this. No words can really express how I feel, I lay awake at night because my brain won’t shut up. Telling me all of the things I did wrong, why I’m such a failure, what will happen to me in the future. I can’t take this. It’s getting too much, I feel like I’m drowning. Funny thing is, is that people know what I’m feeling but won’t/can’t do anything for me, can’t help me.
What’s the point of living, if I’m just going to be in pain the whole time?