I’m tired of a lot of things… It really doesn’t even make sense to me anymore… I mean, I’m tired of living, I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of breathing, I’m just tired…. And everyday of my life, I think about just being dead… Not even necessarily killing myself… To be honest, I really don’t want to die, yet I don’t want to live… I don’t want to kill myself, but I don’t NOT want to kill myself… Either way…. I’m absolutely exhausted of feeling anything, thinking anything, being anything… The biggest thing I’m tired of…. Is wanting to be dead…..
Despite the fact that I don’t necessarily want to kill myself… I’ve already started working on a will, started looking into taking care of matters that would occur after my death, mind you I’m only in my 20s… The thing is… I just know that at any moment now… I can end it all…. I have lost control of my thoughts and emotions, and I’m fully aware that all it takes it just one precise moment and it will all be over for me… It’s a battle I fight every day, there is a war going on in my head and I’m not coming out of this unscathed….
You know, a close friend of mine, who is dying of illness by the way, is one of the only few people I even talk to about these things…. He told me something rather wise yet disturbing…. “Those who want to kill themselves, don’t, those who don’t, do.” Isn’t that twisted?