UBERSPEW-I apologize in advance for the chunks

Very bad day. Holding on but its fucking excruciating.I feel burdensome and taxing to my kids… I can feel  every  emotional crime iv comitted or been the victim of inside my chest ,and I can see the bloody  trail of abandonment ive left in my wake .If only.if only..IF ONLY ……….but theres no one for me anymore,and what right do I have to even imagine I can have another chance. Ive thought that once th kids are both in college,that I could be with someone again-but its delusional of me.Ive used all my chances up..I just want to walk out the door and into the Pacific ocean.The acute loneliness is fucking killing me .Im struggling with feelings of being rejected by my two teenagers -I feel slighted and disregarded..and I feel im no longer cool and funny to  them-instead im just crazy and abhorrent now. IT FUCKING hurts ME…Im too crazy now for my kids . Ive tried very hard to make their lives good.i HAVE made their lives good. They’re growing up,and having full lives..its natural they would pull back- but they don’t like me anymore,is what im feeling…And I have told myself that I would never kill myself while they were living at home.And tonight I feel that I may no longer be able to honor that. Something that keeps coming up in my mind- I feel like if I can stop talking out loud,maybe I will become better,somehow. Silence the craziness  pouring out of me from the bag of cats in my head…I feel I have to just withdraw inside,because being misunderstood or disregarded is a far worse feeling than not being heard…I think im going to do it-i wonder if I even CAN …im going to do it.Ill try it….I will write,but I wont speak out loud. I realize this sounds like a ridiculous or insane thing to do….but its a thought ive been considering for months…I keep coming back to it,and for some reason it feels like something I need to do..Between this and the walking into th ocean,I think I will attempt to be silent first. This is a rambling incoherent post-i apologize .