I’ve never had much luck with love. It seems that every time I fall for someone, they can’t reciprocate my feelings. I had a girlfriend I really loved when I was younger, from the age of 12 to 13, but I became a phase to her and so she left me. After that I had a few relationships in middleschool and college but I was just settling for people I knew I didn’t love simply because I didn’t want to be alone. I’ve had a few people proclaim their love for me and it always makes me feel terrible when I don’t feel that way towards them.
Now, for the past two years, I’ve been in love with a wonderful man that doesn’t and most likely will never love me. I know it isn’t his fault but I can’t keep myself from resenting him sometimes. He has no idea how much I hurt over him everyday. I have told him that I have feelings for him and once in my drunkenness I told him I love him but I know he has no idea how deeply it runs. When I first met him in 2012, he had a girlfriend that he’d been with for six years. Earlier this year he found out she’d been cheating on him and they split. I was happy he wasn’t taken any longer but upset she’d hurt him so badly as well. I think things were easier when he was taken. Now I keep deluding myself into thinking he could like me. I’ve been reading too much into little things like the way he looks at me or hugs me. I’m sure he just feels pity for me. Everyone says it will get easier or that I’ll find someone else or that I just have to wait and he may grow to love me but I can’t do it anymore. I know that one day he’ll move on and find someone else. I don’t want to live to see that day. I’d rather die. So that’s partly why I’ve decided to kill myself. I can hardly take this emptiness anymore. I can’t stand myself knowing I’ve burdened him with my feelings. He deserves better than to be bogged down by someone like me.