“I am a poor, wayfaring stranger
Traveling through this world alone
And there’s no sickness, toil or danger
In that bright land to which I go”
Is it time? Is my time to head to that land finally here? I found out tonight that everyone that I thought was my friend thinks I’m a “thot.” I don’t blame them. When I broke up with the guy I was seeing here, that same night I hooked up with someone else. A few nights later, I got drunk and hooked up with someone else. Who wouldn’t think I’m a slut? I guess they’re right. The realization that everyone thinks that about me hit me like a fucking derailed train. The chaos that ensued my mind was overwhelming. I sobbed for a while, for the first time in a long while. I just want to go home. I want to go home.
If everyone thinks I’m dirty, then how am I supposed to go about changing that? They’ve already made up their minds. There’s nothing else I can do. I didn’t mean to fuck up so badly. I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t mean to make everyone hate me, but I did. I’m disgusting.
“Death is at your doorstep, and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance.” What substance? I have none left. I gave it out to people who, for once, showed me attention. I portioned it out to the rats and the cockroaches in the tunnels of my mind. The “substance” that I may have once had is gone. I am gone. I am a hollow shell — pathetic.
My only problem tonight is I can’t see if it’s time to go to “that bright land.” I dream of the bottles of sleeping pills I have, just a few feet from this very spot. I want to live, yes, but what point is there? All I’m good for is disappointing people. All I’m good for is nothing. My talents include sucking dick and failing those that I love.
I just want to go back. I want to go back to the innocence that I once had. I used to be such a good kid. I used to be such a good daughter, a good friend, a good sister. Now my brother has abandoned us and my parents are no doubt in a state of constant disappointment with me and, well, my friends all think I’m a slut. So what do I do? What is there to do? Maybe I should just end it. Maybe I can finally be in that glorious land. Is it time for me to finally be free? Please tell me.