I hate the weekends. I have no where to be and the anxiety consumes me. At least during the week I have some responsibility that forces me to function and get distracted from what triggers me. Weekends remind me of my lack of meaningful connections and that my participation is not required or sought after. I often end up self medicating so I can relax enough to sleep or settle down enough to read or watch movies. When that doesn’t work I reach out to people who don’t truly respect me simply for some companionship and pseudo moments of feeling like I am part of something. Ha, even when the self medicating works I reach out to the wrong people because I convince myself that I am aware of the circumstances and can handle it. I convince myself I am getting what I want for the short term, I can deal with the rest later. Then I kick myself after the fact because I know I am being used. The constant internal battles I have are exhausting. I know better and understand my role in my own drama yet the compulsion is so strong I give in to behaviors for some relief. Ok, enough whining….I wish you all peace and serenity.