I feel badly because when I heard about Robin Williams’ death, I didn’t feel sad. I felt jealous, I felt angry that I have come so close but not had the courage to end my suffering. I felt happy for Robin. He is finally free. But I couldn’t really tell anyone those feelings
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I know what you mean. I’ve seen so many posts from people online about how sad this is and how we all need to watch out for signs of depression in those around us so that we can help them… so we can keep them from killing themselves. I don’t know what lead Robin Williams to believe that ending his life was the right choice, but I honor his choice. No one else could know what pain he lived with and no one should second guess his action.
I have my good days and bad days and if I had what I needed to end my life the way I want, I’m sure I’d already be dead. I don’t want people feeding me bullshit about how life can get better. Just respect my decision and let me go.
I agree. Lots of ignorant comments in the news. He found peace. If I died, I wouldn’t want my family to wish me back so I can suffer more
That’s why you have us. We do understand. He made it. The sadness, for me, comes from knowing what he endured to get to that place, something only we understand.
True. I am frustrated by the ignorant comments made in the news, etc. Most people truly have no clue about our suffering
I had the courage a few times, and once it was almost fatal. They said a few minutes later and I had been dead. Damn. How did they save me?
Anyway, the courage quite often comes in moments of utter despair, like when you are shaking with rage or anger or fear, then you have the courage to do it.
Yeah, I have been at there but didn’t jump or swerve my car. I don’t know why. One of these times, I am sure I will take that last step. At least that is what I tell myself to get through the days
I’ll share my thoughts, but considering my chosen method, I haven’t made a serious attempt in years, since it’s either an all or nothing kind of method. I’ve only done “dry runs,” so to speak. So take my purely speculative words for what they’re worth.
I tend to look at all my reasons for wanting to end it all. First individually, in detail, then collectively, as a cluster, a cluster of “I don’t give a fuck.” I focus on what truly makes me unhappy, let the rest of the frivolous bullshit slip away, and stew. Rage or a profound hopelessness then engulf me, and if I feel that calm, slightly giddy sense of anticipation and indifference, that’s when I feel like I’m in the zone.
Too much fear for me is a total no-go. I freeze. No joy.
Well described. I get it. I really want to text my doctor to merely say goodbye but if I don’t go through with it, I don’t want to spend the next month in the hospital on 5150s and 5250s…. Do you know what I mean? I want help because I really don’t want to live but I can’t ask because I have spent enough time inpatient and it just takes me away from my cats — the only reason I am still here. Fuck.
Yeah it’s pretty shitty, but you are right. I slit my wrists once and the only way I had the courage at the time to go through with it was alot of despairing mental preparation and a good amount of alcohol. This time I have done quite a bit more meticulous planning and preparation. I think I am just waiting for the right “trigger” so to say – like a good solid insult to make up my mind for me. Usually I can put myself in the IDGAF mode at that point and carry out my ideas in a snap. I am most certain I know the way I will die – I just haven’t figured out the time yet. It’s a waiting game.
But courage is a more accurate word than when most people say cowardice. It takes some serious balls.
Thanks for your reply. I am waiting for that elusive trigger, too. Ugh. Totally agree. It takes serious balls. No cowardice whatsoever
@Still Lost
I think know what you mean. I’ve announced my intentions before. I even tried saying goodbye once. Then, when I decided not to go through with it, I felt like shit for putting all those people I cared about through all that worry.
If and/or when I decide to try again, I won’t be announcing a damn thing. This isn’t like playing pool, “calling it” is really more trouble than it’s worth. I’ve settled upon an impulse termination, with my big note ready at hand alongside my implement(s) of choice.
And I empathize with your concerns about getting locked up in a ward. Yet more disincentive against any final farewells.
It sounds like you have some doubts. If so, I’d suggest spending some time with your cats or whatever else brings you comfort. Why should one force it if one is not ready? Old Grim isn’t going anywhere.
Yeah, I have the notes and instructions ready, too. Just waiting for that impulsive moment. It is a slow wait.
I was a bit jealous too, so don’t feel bad about it. I am always a bit jealous of those who succeed in killing themselves.
Apparently he first tried to cut his wrists, but must have seen it didn’t work, so he hang himself with his belt.
But of course we can’t tell “normal” people that we are jealous of those who die.
Thanks. It is great to have people who understand. I was a bit angry, too, because I haven’t had the courage to do it. It is frustrating listening to commentary from ‘normal’ people in the news…
@jeremy
“Waiting,” good choice of words. I know exactly what you mean. I’ve put it off for about the last 2 to 3 years, but I think the moment is approaching. Getting high on the regular made the outdoor’s appeal go up in smoke. Now I’m dry and un-high. My thoughts are clearer, yay! But my thoughts are clearer, waa! I think I hear the band playing my song. It’s time for a dress rehearsal.
@lonelyplatypus
Yeah, the hard part is over for them. They are at peace.
OMG I thought I was the only one…….. I wish I could dye peacefully in my sleep. .. peaceful just stop! I do feel jealous of Robin. I wish I would have held hands and peacefully go together.
Wow someone feels the same as me! I cant stop thinking about his suicide. Its almost like motivation for me to finally do it. My mom is a nurse and her patient’s daughter committed suicide right in that house and I go there sometimes and I just think about how much pain she caused her mom and how I would do the same but then I stop thinking about my mom and think about me these people were successful and I could be too. I just don’t want to exist.
His suicide really affected me, too. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area so I hear about suicides occasionally (GG bridge jumpers) and they affect me too. But there was so much publicity with Robin Williams’ death. I felt motivation, too. If he can do it, why can’t I? I try to plan my death… buy a good rope, get a gun, find a wall to slam into or train tracks to park on… but shit, I just need a belt wedged between the frame and the door. I overthink. Just need to do it. I also felt a lot of anger with the news comments. So many people don’t understand but think they do… ugh!!!
Robin Williams committed suicide because he was terminally ill. A long slow disease was going to affect his abilities. I read he made his mind up when he knew people would feel sad for him when they saw him. He wanted to always be able to make people laugh. I think this was one of the most deciding factors in his decision