People always like to think they know how I feel, or how people like me feel, when they’re all just so far from the truth. All these feelings of worthlessness self hate, and loneliness have taken they’re toll, and reduced me to a shadow of whatever it is I was – I don’t even remember what happiness felt like, it’s just numbness where it should be.
Why do parents have to be so stuck in their ways? I promised myself I’d never make the same mistakes if I ever have kids. Never ever lay a hand on them, let alone a fist. If there’s one thing I know nobody deserves this kind of pain.
Two attempts later I still feel the same way about things. I’ve lost the people closest to me because of how messed up I am now. No one even knows what it is yet? BPD? Maybe I’ll live long enough to find out, but I’m not the selfish one to want to escape the pain I feel every day just so you can avoid a week or two of ‘sadness’.
Someday I’ll find rest.