It’s funny I’m sharing my story here, cause just a couple of hours earlier I registered on here and actually posted a topic to clear my doubts regarding the suicide method I was opting for, at which I was politely told by a member here that this site is not appropriate for it. I’ve read multiple stories here, and I understand their pain, and I see they feel better having shared their stuff so I’m just trying my luck out as well, hoping I can resist the urge to die.
This basically refers to my two friends (C and M, I’m not gonna reveal the names obv) I met in a poker game online, when I was what, 13-14 years old. Never shared my feelings with anyone in RL, pretending to be rock solid, way too image conscious so I did successfully retain a cool dude image. But of course that’s not me, I avoided any female contact throughout my childhood, cause I knew I could grow excessively fond of somebody and childhood is not an age of doing that, had my studies to take care of and I fared extremely well in all my exams. As days progressed of my good friendship with them, I grew attached to ’em. Both females, ageing around three times my own age, belonging to different parts of the world. Both elder sister figure to me, just in case you don’t get this wrong. We used to chat daily, I could always say anything to them, without having to hesitate even for a moment, which meant I, at times, said things I shouldn’t have but they always forgave me when I apologized for my behaviour, especially C. One could tell I was more emotionally attached to her. For someone who NEVER shared his feelings or problems with anyone in RL, this was heaven. I loved them as much as my own family, actually, they were family now.
So, the poker game’s server went down and it was never up again, but we always stayed in touch through emails. With C, though she was single without any child, she responded like someone who’s a motherly figure to you, asking about your school progress and motivating you when you need it, then telling about herself, and the occasional jokes. With M, who was married, it was mostly fun, talking about sports, school projects of mine, her family festival celebrations, etc, but Formula one in particular. We emailed each other almost daily. I term this as the most joyous part of not only my childhood, but my life.
After 1 or 2 years, C had occupied some important corporate position, so the time interval between our mails eventually increased, from the initial 3-4 days (for the first 1-2 years after the poker game went down) to almost a month. And afterwards, when she told me she was seeing someone (she’d tell me everything about him, and after a couple of months, told me she was going to have twins, I was happy with this though), the interval actually rose to around 2-3 months. I wasn’t very comfortable with time interval, but what choice I had? This was her life. Obv I missed her mails way too much, that my sole purpose of turning on my laptop everyday was to check if I had any email from her. I couldn’t resist sending her emails every now and then, it got to the point that in the last 2 years, the ratio of my emails sent vs emails received from her would exceed 25:1 or even 30:1. It almost felt like a lottery when I received it, my terming of waiting for her email as a mental torture would be an understatement.
With M, this was never the case. She always replied within a day, if not hours. She was the only one I could go to with problems if I had any, I don’t share much with my RL friends anyway, so you can say she was my moral support. But just a few months back, I lost touch with her too. Her last email referred to the death of her husband’s best friend, and that she was literally sad. I replied like I was supposed to, but never got any response after this from her. (Last contact was October previous year)
Over the period of time, I had my reasons to believe that C wasn’t for real, that she was faking her identity, that M was C. I don’t know why. I was way too young, and thought maybe I was just being stupid and feared it’d actually go horrible if I told C this. But anyway, I did it one day, in November last year when I received an extremely brief email from her and my response lines were not in the politest, in anger I went on to say that I’d have been happy if she hadn’t even replied. To which she apologized for writing me an email, and said she wouldn’t write again ever. Nothing about my accusations. Sent numerous apology seeking mails after this, no response from her.
But until a week ago. I had de-activated my email account a few months ago, for I was turning into a neurotic mess with not receiving any mails either from C or M. It was the Friendship Day here last week, and I just had this urge to send both one greeting. I didn’t know Hotmail let your account stay open after you mark it for closure for around a few months. Anyway, I saw an email from C about from a month ago. Opened it, and wished I’d never re-activated my account. “Sorry I don’t know who you are. But I see my mom emailed you some and was friends. She passed away on June xx.” Those were the words I read, didn’t feel a thing for few minutes. Strangely, no tears though. I just thought she was joking with me, that she thought this would be the way I’d stop mailing her. I wrote email after email to her, 9 emails in a row, telling that I love her as much as my family and she should stop this, and I went to bed.
After fighting the demons for around an hour, I got up and googled C’s name, wondering if her email was genuine at all. Unwillingly searched the death/funeral notices, couldn’t find any so was relieved a little. I don’t know what struck my mind, that instead of C, I typed M’s name, June xx for death notices, and there it was, M’s name. Verified.
The mere idea of not receiving any email from now onwards, which started as ‘My dear child’ or ‘My dear dear friend’ was enough for me to weep on.
I cannot bear the pain of this betrayal anymore, for the last 4 days, all I’m looking for is methods of suicide on the internet. With all the great things I have in my life, this nullifies them all, completely. Even the prospect that I recently got admission in my country’s No. 1 university for undergraduation seems so fucking horrible, which is something I’ve devoted my all school life for. That C and M was the same person, wasn’t this betrayal enough that I get to know she’s dead? Why did she lie to me? She could have just told me, it’d have been all right, but why she fucking had to die man? Of all the persons I knew, why her? Anyone else would have been fine, but why her? Been an atheist all my life, but now I wish God to exist, so that when I die, I could personally meet him and tell him to go fuck himself.
I cannot share this with anyone, killing yourself over a person you’ve met online would be mocked at in the least, but what they’d not understand is, she was the only one who told me she loved me, someone I used to imagine as my pillow at night and hug in my childhood. I’m tired of pretending to be a rock solid guy in RL, never share anything with my family or anyone else for that matter. I cannot think of anything else other than committing suicide, strongly hoping that I’d get to meet her after death for once and ask, why did she lie to me?
I heard you guys giving such sensible advice to others, but just tell me, why should not I just fucking die? The pain of both betrayal and loss is unbearable.
PS. Do not think I’ve written such a long post just cause I need attention and sympathy from anyone, I intend to write the URL of this page as my suicide note if I go for it, just in case my family is bewildered over my drastic decision. So that they’d know why I went for it. This place seems safe enough for sharing all this.