It’s funny I’m sharing my story here, cause just a couple of hours earlier I registered on here and actually posted a topic to clear my doubts regarding the suicide method I was opting for, at which I was politely told by a member here that this site is not appropriate for it. I’ve read multiple stories here, and I understand their pain, and I see they feel better having shared their stuff so I’m just trying my luck out as well, hoping I can resist the urge to die.
This basically refers to my two friends (C and M, I’m not gonna reveal the names obv) I met in a poker game online, when I was what, 13-14 years old. Never shared my feelings with anyone in RL, pretending to be rock solid, way too image conscious so I did successfully retain a cool dude image. But of course that’s not me, I avoided any female contact throughout my childhood, cause I knew I could grow excessively fond of somebody and childhood is not an age of doing that, had my studies to take care of and I fared extremely well in all my exams. As days progressed of my good friendship with them, I grew attached to ’em. Both females, ageing around three times my own age, belonging to different parts of the world. Both elder sister figure to me, just in case you don’t get this wrong. We used to chat daily, I could always say anything to them, without having to hesitate even for a moment, which meant I, at times, said things I shouldn’t have but they always forgave me when I apologized for my behaviour, especially C. One could tell I was more emotionally attached to her. For someone who NEVER shared his feelings or problems with anyone in RL, this was heaven. I loved them as much as my own family, actually, they were family now.
So, the poker game’s server went down and it was never up again, but we always stayed in touch through emails. With C, though she was single without any child, she responded like someone who’s a motherly figure to you, asking about your school progress and motivating you when you need it, then telling about herself, and the occasional jokes. With M, who was married, it was mostly fun, talking about sports, school projects of mine, her family festival celebrations, etc, but Formula one in particular. We emailed each other almost daily. I term this as the most joyous part of not only my childhood, but my life.
After 1 or 2 years, C had occupied some important corporate position, so the time interval between our mails eventually increased, from the initial 3-4 days (for the first 1-2 years after the poker game went down) to almost a month. And afterwards, when she told me she was seeing someone (she’d tell me everything about him, and after a couple of months, told me she was going to have twins, I was happy with this though), the interval actually rose to around 2-3 months. I wasn’t very comfortable with time interval, but what choice I had? This was her life. Obv I missed her mails way too much, that my sole purpose of turning on my laptop everyday was to check if I had any email from her. I couldn’t resist sending her emails every now and then, it got to the point that in the last 2 years, the ratio of my emails sent vs emails received from her would exceed 25:1 or even 30:1. It almost felt like a lottery when I received it, my terming of waiting for her email as a mental torture would be an understatement.
With M, this was never the case. She always replied within a day, if not hours. She was the only one I could go to with problems if I had any, I don’t share much with my RL friends anyway, so you can say she was my moral support. But just a few months back, I lost touch with her too. Her last email referred to the death of her husband’s best friend, and that she was literally sad. I replied like I was supposed to, but never got any response after this from her. (Last contact was October previous year)
Over the period of time, I had my reasons to believe that C wasn’t for real, that she was faking her identity, that M was C. I don’t know why. I was way too young, and thought maybe I was just being stupid and feared it’d actually go horrible if I told C this. But anyway, I did it one day, in November last year when I received an extremely brief email from her and my response lines were not in the politest, in anger I went on to say that I’d have been happy if she hadn’t even replied. To which she apologized for writing me an email, and said she wouldn’t write again ever. Nothing about my accusations. Sent numerous apology seeking mails after this, no response from her.
But until a week ago. I had de-activated my email account a few months ago, for I was turning into a neurotic mess with not receiving any mails either from C or M. It was the Friendship Day here last week, and I just had this urge to send both one greeting. I didn’t know Hotmail let your account stay open after you mark it for closure for around a few months. Anyway, I saw an email from C about from a month ago. Opened it, and wished I’d never re-activated my account. “Sorry I don’t know who you are. But I see my mom emailed you some and was friends. She passed away on June xx.” Those were the words I read, didn’t feel a thing for few minutes. Strangely, no tears though. I just thought she was joking with me, that she thought this would be the way I’d stop mailing her. I wrote email after email to her, 9 emails in a row, telling that I love her as much as my family and she should stop this, and I went to bed.
After fighting the demons for around an hour, I got up and googled C’s name, wondering if her email was genuine at all. Unwillingly searched the death/funeral notices, couldn’t find any so was relieved a little. I don’t know what struck my mind, that instead of C, I typed M’s name, June xx for death notices, and there it was, M’s name. Verified.
The mere idea of not receiving any email from now onwards, which started as ‘My dear child’ or ‘My dear dear friend’ was enough for me to weep on.
I cannot bear the pain of this betrayal anymore, for the last 4 days, all I’m looking for is methods of suicide on the internet. With all the great things I have in my life, this nullifies them all, completely. Even the prospect that I recently got admission in my country’s No. 1 university for undergraduation seems so fucking horrible, which is something I’ve devoted my all school life for. That C and M was the same person, wasn’t this betrayal enough that I get to know she’s dead? Why did she lie to me? She could have just told me, it’d have been all right, but why she fucking had to die man? Of all the persons I knew, why her? Anyone else would have been fine, but why her? Been an atheist all my life, but now I wish God to exist, so that when I die, I could personally meet him and tell him to go fuck himself.
I cannot share this with anyone, killing yourself over a person you’ve met online would be mocked at in the least, but what they’d not understand is, she was the only one who told me she loved me, someone I used to imagine as my pillow at night and hug in my childhood. I’m tired of pretending to be a rock solid guy in RL, never share anything with my family or anyone else for that matter. I cannot think of anything else other than committing suicide, strongly hoping that I’d get to meet her after death for once and ask, why did she lie to me?
I heard you guys giving such sensible advice to others, but just tell me, why should not I just fucking die? The pain of both betrayal and loss is unbearable.
PS. Do not think I’ve written such a long post just cause I need attention and sympathy from anyone, I intend to write the URL of this page as my suicide note if I go for it, just in case my family is bewildered over my drastic decision. So that they’d know why I went for it. This place seems safe enough for sharing all this.
12 comments
Hello done12354,
I am certainly very sorry to hear about your loss. I do not see why it should matter how you came to know her. You and her were close friends. Loss can certainly be hard to deal with. I lost my dad when I was 19. It really didn’t rock me so much then. In fact I guess I didn’t show enough emotion over it cause everyone kept telling me how I needed to deal with it and it was ok to deal with it and treating me like I hadn’t dealt with it. But I was actually ok with it. At any rate I brought it up cause as I was reading your story what somebody told me then kept running through my mind. I was told, “it’s easy to let someone go (deal with losing) when you fully hate them or fully love them, but it gets difficult to let someone go when you have built up both love and hate for them.” This was a doctor who stated it. A psychologist. Frankly it was unsought advice given to me that was irrelevant for me at the time. But when he said it, I couldn’t help but to see the understanding and wisdom of what he was saying. Perhaps seeing it that way can help you in someway to deal with this. Maybe not. It helped me later in life to understand certain emotions in dealing with other things.
I found this a safe place to speak your feelings and mind. Almost too safe :). There are lots of understanding and helping people here. It’s quite possible that I would not be alive today had it not been for this site and some of the ppl on it. I consider them great friends and they probably don’t even know who they are. But the things they said and the fact they listened really meant a lot and helped. There is one person and one request on here that I held to. They don’t know who they are and wouldn’t know what it was they said if I were to name them. But it helped keep me safe none the less. I will not tell you that it’s silly to consider or commit suicide over something like this. I will not tell you wether you should or should not. That is a choice you will ultimately make for yourself anyway. I will tell you that you are not alone. And that I as well as others here will listen and throw in advice on certain things if you want. Things do tend to get better over time for most situations. Sorry once again for your loss, but you still have ppl and friends you don’t even know yet there for you. Feel free to ask me anything you want or unload anything you want.
I know people are there for me. My family, though we never communicate emotional stuff, I know they care for me, more than I’d like to believe. And friends, yes. And seeing the people here, they seem very supportive, not like the ones that’d mock me over this in RL as I can imagine, for I’ve really pretended to be a very different guy all my life.
But I cannot just bear the pain anymore. You’re right, this love and hate thing is making it worse than one can imagine. But I do not hate her, no, I’m just… I don’t know how to explain it. Why didn’t she communicate? DId she know she was going to die, that she chose to gradually distance her from myself? That she knew I would go out looking for her if she disappeared all of a sudden and so, trying to make it easy for me to bear the loss? This makes me feel even worse. The fact that everything my intuition told me about her has turned out to be true, I just want to get rid of this.
I don’t think many people are going to believe that prior to the day I re-activated my email address, i.e. on the Friendship Day, I dreamt we talked via emails for some time, which is why I re-activated the email. And what did I read? I don’t know, thinking about all this is just not pleasant at all. I actually laughed when I read in the spirit world, those who commit suicide are treated like fuck in hell, c’mon man, it couldn’t be worse than what I’m already feeling.
I appreciate that you chose to read and reply. I may be feeling a little better than what I had been feeling all this time, and while writing this. But I know I’d be feeling the same once I return to bed, I just cannot think when I’m alone, why did she lie?
The fact that I’m still not dead is primarily cause I’m still searching for a method which doesn’t make me go through so much agony, is fairly certain and can be done on my part without being spotted, so I’m not left alive with life long consequences worse than this, and a lot of answers to provide to people that I’d not be in a state to do.
But there’s another part to it. I do not want to be remembered as a coward when I’m not here. Have acted very responsibly throughout my life, fulfilled my parents’ expectations to the last, helped a hell lot of guys. Committing suicide would be so not me, but then, that is what all I want to do. I’m just sorry if I’m wasting yours, or anyone else’s time.
….and I’ll take you over a couple hands poker…..lol jk….but I would… 😉
Given the fact that I’m suffering through inexplicable mental agony, I still appreciate the humor.
I tell you what, it’s been 4 days since I’ve not stepped out of my room. Searching for suicide methods and playing poker, hoping to see her name on there are the only things I’ve been doing. And that’s not pretty.
Aren’t you tempted to try and talk to her children/family and find out more about her?
You bet.
The e-mail I received was from exactly a month ago, I have written around as many emails back as one could in 4-5 days. But no response, I’m afraid I’m going to get any. Her children may be trying to move on, and so, not looking at her e-mail. They may not ever open her e-mail again, who knows.
But I did post a message on her death notice in the online version of a newspaper in which it was published, as I could see others have done so. I asked if anyone could put me in touch with her family and that it was urgent, provided my email for contact. Even e-mailed the support address of the newspaper, telling that this was nothing short of an emergency and I’m desperate to get in touch with her family, but was told that since it’s an online notice, they do not maintain the contact records, which obviously is a lie IMO. You’re publishing a death notice and you do not have the contact details of the notice drafter.
Googled her to death, cannot think of any other method of contacting her family. Asking her myself seems easier.
Try http://pipl.com if you have any names.
Done it last year, during my summer vacations. Not that I was cross-checking her identity, but cause she hadn’t replied in months and I was very worried for her. Reverse e-mail search, pipl, spokeo, facebook, google, every single damn thing I could find.
If she had a corporate position which she claimed to have, I ought to have located her, but I didn’t. Which is exactly what led me to believe – She wasn’t real. And by the time I communicated her to this, it was too late.
I don’t read many posts on here but I read this story in its entirety. Wow. That’s the first time I’ve heard of someone successfully pulling off two separate virtual identities with the same cyber audience. (There are users on this site who’ve made multiple accounts, but they usually let on who they are, or the other members figure it out after a while.)
Your tale of C & M is über freaky. I have no idea why she would have lied like that, but some people seem to enjoy utilizing deception just for fun – becoming a fantasy ‘persona’. But to go to this extent with one single individual…?
I’m very sorry for your loss. I know this betrayal, especially after her passing, must greatly hurt, but even so, it wasn’t your fault. Try not to take it too personally. She was evidently troubled. Perhaps she even had dissociative identity disorder or some other such mental illness. (In that case she may have honestly believed that she was both women.)
One virtual identity, C, M did exist, which is why I was able to confirm the genuineness of the email I received. The notice I found with the help of Google carried her name. The tiny bit of details that were mentioned in the notice, were consistent with what she had told me about herself.
I hate to think she deceived me, but then that’s what she did. Her health at that time could only be confirmed by her family, but I do not think she was mentally ill, for she was always so calm and full of life. She always lifted my spirits whenever I was down.
C belonged to an English speaking background, and M to a non-English one. This is where she got me. Both termed me as their best friend, called me by the same nickname (but then, my friends on poker called me that as well) and it was not until very late that I realized, both could be the same!
If she had some illness (I so hope not), or she deceived for some fantasy (Again I so hope not), I do not hate her either way. She told me once she’d love me, no matter what. I’m just reciprocating it. I just need an answer from her, which is why I’m willing to commit suicide, formulating so many theories has done nothing but turned me into a neurotic mess.
Wow, done. Amazing story. It would make a good book or film. You tell it so well too. I’ve been betrayed too by very close and trusted people. I’m not over it – I’ve become very isolated – it’s four years on and still haunts me, but isolating myself obviously isn’t helping, and I’m starting slowly and carefully to open myself up again just a bit. You can’t rebuild trust without reaching out to some degree. You sound very determined and strong-minded in your plans, but I think it would be a tragic waste of your obvious talents and intelligence, plus you’re still so young. That said I fully appreciate how excruciating a blow this has been for you and am just so sorry it happened. Could say a lot more but I know you’re not looking for advice or even support, so I’ll leave it there.
Book or film? Ha, well, boy it’s hellish to go through it actually, I do not have the privilege of looking at it through an outsider’s perspective unfortunately. But then again, having peace thoughts (suicide is such a negative word, isn’t it?) for this without being mocked at is good, just tells me I’m still not out of my senses.
Yeah, I wasn’t looking for support, just for someone to tell me that it is perfectly all right to have such thoughts over this. I do not want to disappoint my family, but if a stranger sees sense in what I do, perhaps, they’d as well.
Thanks for the reply, I hope you’re over the betrayal now, or soon will be. You seem like a good person. Take Care man.