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I’ve come to realize that when someone asks any variation of “how are you?” They don’t want to hear the truth. They want to hear something along the lines of “I’m good, thanks.” So they can go on and not feel guilty about not having asked why you’re sad. If you didn’t admit it, you’re not right?
The same goes for when they do actually ask if you’re upset about something. They don’t want to hear that you feel like your entire life is crumbling around you, they just want to look like a caring person for five seconds.
So you hide behind “I’m fine” and “just tired”, as if repeating yourself over and over everyday will somehow make it true.
Of course, normally I do feel exhausted anytime I’m forced out of my warm bed, but that’s beside the point.
The point is I spend eight hours of my day trying not to fall asleep in class so I can pass. Now, I wouldn’t care less about passing if getting the highest possible GPA and a scholarship at the end of my high school career wasn’t the only way I could get out of this dreadful town.
You’d think that after those eight lost hours every week day (except Fridays) I would be relieved I get to go home and relax. Which I would be, if that wasn’t the opposite of what happened once I got home. Because home is where all I can hear is arguing parents and loud ass siblings. And within this crazy mess of an unhappy family is the eldest daughter who is always ignored. That is, until she screws one little thing up.
See in my house, I am the one who sits in the background and behaves herself. I am the one who’s opinions and questions don’t matter. I have to scream over a tv to gain my fathers attention for more than a second. Which only means it’s gone after two.
So I have grown accustomed to fading into the background and disappearing to my room every afternoon.
The days I am forced to stay downstairs are also the ones that I have to actually witness every member of my immediate family complain about me. (Most of the time I have to accidentally overhear). But as if my parents complaining about me when I’m not around isn’t enough, I get to hear how worthless right then and there.
So it’s only natural that I have become absolutely convinced that I’m not allowed to screw up because they will hate me more if I do. And when I do screw up like all humans do, I seriously feel the urge to throw myself off a bridge.
Back to the original topic, after I have successfully survived dinner and my chores I can actually retreat to my room and have some peace. But instead of this being a happy place I can escape to, my room (and more specifically my bed) has become the place I can’t escape. By the time I open the door, a day’s worth of frustration and self loathing is pouring out of my tear ducts. Of course I lie in my bed for hours throughout the night telling myself I am worthless and it’s no wonder no one talks to me. So of course I don’t get much sleep. Late night tears and hideous thoughts plague my nights.
And let me tell you one thing if you haven’t already figured it out; this royally sucks and the only thing I wish for when 11:11 rolls around is the happiness I’ve forgotten. Even if it means a premature, self-inflicted death.

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3 comments

BertieW 9/17/2014 - 10:16 am

[quote]
Of course I lie in my bed for hours throughout the night telling myself I am worthless and it’s no wonder no one talks to me.
[/quote]

You don’t sound worthless to me. When I read this:

[quote]
Now, I wouldn’t care less about passing if getting the highest possible GPA and a scholarship at the end of my high school career wasn’t the only way I could get out of this dreadful town.
[/quote]

…it sounds very much like you have a plan for getting out of where you are, even if the plan might take a while to pan out (good plans can be like that).

When you’re surrounded by people who seem eager to tell you you’re no good, it can be a lot of fun proving to them just how wrong they are about you by making good in spite of them.

Devils_Advocate 9/17/2014 - 1:02 pm

I can understand a bit of what you say,
the endless tears that roll down your cheeks,
having to study, to behave all the time just to avoid the fuss you would have to face if you screw up even a bit.
its sad why we have to be like this, the pain,
lying in bed forever, in darkness is the only thing we could want for,
having someone around only makes us more insecure…

k4rma 9/17/2014 - 9:58 pm

Altho killing yourself would be the greatest plot at getting back with everyone around you.. then they will surely miss you and realize just how great of a person you really were. Because you are, and what they have neglected for far too long while they were too busy fighting each other instead of building on one another.

But i do not agree that killing yourself is the answer here though, ignoring them just like how they are ignoring your feelings works alot better. Not to go into a vengeance frenzy or anything but just be with people that don’t take you for granted that love you and care for you and if you feel like there are no such people around you please just be patient, just be your awesome little self and treat others the way you want to be treated and good things will happen. Just be strong!

If you want someone to talk just message me please.

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