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Blessed

by darkseraph777

Today, 09/05, I just turn 25. I am just so blessed for being able to complete another year of my life.

So very blessed.

Today was a day like all days, nothing out of the ordinary. Simple, normal, even monotonous I could say. But it’s ok; it makes me happy just being alive. I make sure my parents hear me saying that. I am so blessed. (help me). I am finishing my Production Engineering course at the end of the year and I am glad. (please help me) this is definitely what I want for my life. I make sure my friends hear me saying that. (somebody) So, yeah today was a good day, my family didn’t had the time to spend with me, but I understand that there are priorities to deal with. So I am fine. (please don’t leave alone now). Because I know I am loved. I now I am blessed.

My friends toke to a restaurant tonight no treat me since it is my birthday. We laughed, we joked. Yeah, I made them laugh; I brightened their night with puns, jokes and hilarious tales of ours daily routines. I also displayed a huge smile, to make sure they know I am joyful (I am a liar) and that there is nothing wrong with for them or my family to worry unnecessarily. I love my family, I love my friends and I love my future. What reasons would I possibly have to not be grateful for being alive (I don’t want to die) I would have no right to feel any other way, would I? (I don’t want to kill myself) it would be such a sin to feel this way being so blessed. I have to smile and I am good at smiling (I want to live) so I am always smile. It makes people around me happy as well. It frees them of any affliction and guilty. And that way they are positive that I am happy (but it hurts so very much) and blessed.

The night is ending and I feel my heart a little heavy, but that is normal I guess. It was a special day, even if it was simple and average, it was indeed special. (I am trying so hard) I am alone in my bedroom, watching the clock on the screen of my computer. Observing time as it goes by, but I can’t complain (to hang on but…) because I wasn’t expecting nothing spectacular (but it still hurts) since I am used to minimal things. My other friends call me in the end of the night to congratulate me for another year and I try my hardest in my responses (I am quarreling) to put greater doses of enthusiasm in my voice (against these feelings) to show euphoria on my tone to make them sure I am truly glad. (but I am afraid that…). Yeah. I am.

My little sister hugs me playfully. Her innocence captivates me. (I might be losing). She congratulates me cheerfully and I smile back at her as I pat her head. I thank her with honesty since I don’t think it would be correct to taint her pure act with bitter thoughts (and as days go by) so I make sure, to her still naïve mind (I am more and more certain) that I am happy and eager to live. Of course. What reasons would I have to feel otherwise? (that there is a possibility) After all, I am blessed.

(that I’ve already lost)

So fucking blessed

(Happy birthday to me)
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Thank you for taking a time of your day to listen what lays in my mind. Once again, I apologize for my English. As I already established, it is not my primary language. Good night.

8 comments
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8 comments

theWhispersOfMySins 9/5/2014 - 11:40 pm

Happy birthday. Mine passed just a few days ago and I can relate a bit to the things you said. Wish I words to make it better.

EvilKitten 9/6/2014 - 12:04 am

Happy Birthday!!!! I wish you weren’t hurting, but your post was so artfully written. I liked the style. I don’t know why you feel this way or what is going on in your life, but I do hope that you can find happiness soon. <3

Mine was on the 24th of last month, and as I tried to kill myself on the 22nd, I spent my birthday in a psychiatric ward…. I made the nurses throw me a popcorn and movie party so that everyone else could be happier for just a few hours. Making the other residents a bit happier made me a bit happier.

darkseraph777 9/6/2014 - 3:31 pm

May better days come to you, my friend. Thank you for the heartwarming support.

Anunnaki 9/6/2014 - 12:07 am

My 25th was my favourite birthday night, better than 18, 21 etc… It’s almost 8 months to the day until my 28th which I don’t want to see

darkseraph777 9/6/2014 - 11:13 am

Thank you. I sincerely hope your birthdays to come are much better and bright.

Bluebird 9/6/2014 - 1:45 am

It’s hard to put on that happy face when you’re crying inside. I’m sorry it was not such a great birthday for you. Birthdays can be so disappointing. Your story was very moving.

secondlife 9/6/2014 - 3:14 am

Happy Birthday and I’m sorry that you’re in pain-it’s not something you really discussed in your post but I understand to an extent how you feel.

However my pain is more like an endless sadness (not depression)…sad for not living the life I thought I’d have by now, sad for being single and having missed many great opportunities not to be…sad for my age, my future and eventual demise.

My Birthday is coming up next week…it’s an interesting coincidence a number of us here have them around the same time. Virgo suicides. 😛

darkseraph777 9/6/2014 - 11:18 am

Thank you for the comments, guys. It means a lot to me. And, even if is a little late or too soon for it, i wish the happiest of birthdays to every single one of you.

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