Dream Time Machine

I’ve been having these dreams for awhile now. I’ll be in a certain time period of my life. Last night I had a dream that I was in the year 2004 again. Everything was so vivid. I was able to see my 8-year-old self. How full of life she was, how innocent she was, how much she admired her father, and loved her grandmother, how annoyed she would be by her sister, even then. My dream became lucid halfway through, and I ran into this bathroom. I tried looking at myself in the mirror but I couldn’t see my reflection, I tried to wash my face, but the handle on the faucet wouldn’t budge. So I sat on the toilet half-wishing for the dream I was in to be reality. So much has changed since then. I’ve become this nervous wreck that worries about the smallest things, who is afraid of everything, and critical of everyone, even myself; especially myself.

I wonder if these dreams mean anything. How am I able to go back to these times in my life, seeing them so clearly only to wake up and embrace the wreck of a person I’ve become? I’m in my room most of the time because bad things usually happens to me when I leave. I probably seem agoraphobic in saying this, but I feel warm, safe and sound in my room, and when I don’t, I usually have panic attacks, feeling as if the world is about to swallow me whole. Something I need to get over, of course.

I wish I was 8 again. I would have done so much differently. I would do my absolute best to make sure that I wouldn’t end up the way I am today. But wishes are for wells. I have been better than I have before, but whatever. I feel like I’m rambling at this point.

Anyway, thanks for reading this. I don’t really know how to conclude. x)