This depression is SO painful. My mind hurts. My chest hurts. I can barely stop crying. I really need to leave this earth so badly. There are little glimmers of hope, like tiny shimmers of light, but they’re gone just as quickly as they appear. Other than that, I worry for my daughter, how selfish of me it would be to bring her into this rotten world and then abandon her here without even me. I worry for my family, they would most likely never get over the grief of losing me, even tho I’m nothing. A burden. Useless. A failure. Still, that’s the way we humans are. Attached to even the most insignificant family members. I can’t take the pain anymore. My mind is too sick. I need so desperately to be freed from this pain. :'(
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I understand cagedtiger. I only have furry babies so don’t know what its like to have a child. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care how my death affects my family. They don’t give a shit about me so screw then. I care more about how this affects the MD who abandoned me. As long as I can make sure my cats are well cared for and stay together, its all I need to exit this dreadful place. I’m tired of being a prisoner of my own mind.
I have cats too still lost, but they’re not a worry. I know that they’ll be well taken care of. I just don’t know how to make this unbelievable pain stop. Physical, emotional and mental. My chest is hurting, prob from the anxiety that I’m always feeling. My soul hurts. This feels intolerable. Ty for replying still lost.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to make the pain stop either. I wish I had encouraging words for you and for me.
Please don’t give up cagedtiger. You’re stronger than you may think. You clearly love your family, so stay with them and work on healing your mind n body.
Dave_N thank you for the reply. I do really love my family and am very blessed to have them, so I worry a lot about how my death will devastate them. But… I am not going to be able to continue this charade much longer. They can all. See that I’m extremely depressed, until this year, I used to be able to hide it to some extent (plus it’s never been this bad) but they don’t know that I may be gone any day now. I just can’t take the pain, sadness, severe depression or anxiety anymore. I can’t be saved. I have to go sometime soon, :'( That’s the reality.
I guess that’s what brought us all here. We can’t stop the pain. I too wish I could help all of us so we could all feel better somehow. I seriously just wish I was never born. Next best thing, exit from this life. :'(
But you have a family and they will be absolutely heartbroken if you took your life. Please stay for them and yourself. 🙂
Do you have any idea what may be causing your depression and anxiety attacks?
Dave, you’re right. They would be. I’d have to write them long letters explaining everything that is wrong with my mind, then also explain every way that I’ve messed up my life. My mind is damaged beyond repair and my life, well I suppose it can be glued back together, but will never be the same. Just like my disabled right hand. The surgeons stuck it back together, but it will be disabled for life. (this was just an example, not the biggest problem I have or the reason that I can’t endure this life). I feel like it won’t be long before I do it, but I have to tie up some loose ends first. or maybe I won’t do it out of guilt for my family and I’ll remain a tortured and sick prisoner of this world. Who knows? Only the future will tell. Probably the near future… that’s what I’m feeling right now anyways. I don’t know. :'( I’ve never felt so close to my own death as I do these days.
gimme a call and we can talk like we used to.
Thanks PaS, but I really don’t spend any time talking these days other than the obligatory calls to family that used to be daily, but now I even skip a day here and there. I’ve really faded myself out of their lives so much. I haven’t been to one family dinner in nearly a year. In 40 years, I don’t think I’ve EVER missed a single family get together. This year, haven’t attended a single one. I’ve really isolated myself and pushed everyone away. I hardly talk to my friends and if I do, it’s more like courtesy calls that are as short as I can keep them. I barely see everyone. Somehow, I still have close friends who ask me to do things regularly. Even after a year of this behavior. That’s when you know you have a real friend there. Someone who doesn’t give up even they know the answer will most likely be no. All this to say, I’m sorry I can’t call. I’ve changed, even since we used to talk. All I do is cry. I’m an empty shell. I just cry and have anxiety attacks and deal with insomnia and severe depression. It’s terrible.
PeelaSquid How is your mom doing? Have you been out digging these days? I watched some of your videos over a month ago and they were very cool. It looks like such a fun and relaxing activity. I hope you still find the motivation to go out there and do it. How have things been with you? I hope you’re doing okay, you’re a very sweet person and I hate to know that you’re suffering as much as you were.
I understand this. Rarely do I talk to my family and there are no friends to speak of. Years ago, I wiped my Facebook clear of friends. I effectively created an island of one. There are other issues… The hole is quite deep and I’m not sure I’ll ever work my way out of it… but I’m still here. I’m glad you are, too.
Oh Distant.road I’m so sorry to hear that. I completely understand where you’re coming from tho. I, and I’m sure many who come to this website have isolated themselves so much. Coming here to talk is very different, because it’s a place that we can talk to others who are in the same position as us and who understand us. In my real life, my mom often tells me to “snap out of it” and tons of other things like that. She just doesn’t get that you can’t just snap out of mental illness. I guess my family is in denial that I suffer from mental illness and not just depression either, but a whole bunch of different issues. Oh well. It really does help to come here and share with others and read what others have shared. I feel closer to people that I’ve never met and will probably never meet than I do to the people who surround me every day. I’m glad that you’re here too. Tho I’m pro suicide in a sense (when there are really no other options or depending on different situations, never really for teens or very young people) I hate to see people go. I know my comment about young people might sound hypocritical, but I just feel that so much can still change for them and it makes me even sadder to see someone so young end their life without giving it a chance to possibly change into something bearable if not even wonderful.
I am really saddened to hear this with you, really. You are a great person, I could tell that by the hours we talked on the phone.
I wish I could give you a hug right now, make your suffering go away.
I basically live to work right now, have bad money issues, but here to take care of mom and I now have a girlfriend.
Mom is doing OK, but she fell last week and nearly took her eye out, but I take care of her and she is recovering.
Been fishing a lot this summer, season for that is almost over. Not much treasure hunting because the fishing was so good. I had some close encounters with death out there (sharks and storms), but I love the excitement, and if I die out there, thats how it is.
I am still available to chat if you can pull yourself to do it. 🙂
Peelasquid sorry to hear that money is tight, but at least it sounds like that job ended up working out. So happy to hear about your new gf! That’s awesome! I hope that she turns out to be “the” woman for you!
Awe, your poor mom, thank God that she has such a great son to stay by her side like you do. You’re an awesome guy and I hope that your life only improves. Thanks for the offer and for the chats. 🙂