Letter to nobody

Letter to nobody

I have been started to write a letter  or something similar  about my thoughts maybe someone will understand the pain inside

I am an immigrant from east, arrived in Belgium for a better life, but the things did not work that way, they just went down the drain slowly. I work in a computer store, giving other people advices about how to run computers, fixing  it problems something like .it was fun at the beginning because this is a thing I like to do the whole it thing, but slowly it is not working anymore.

My wife and I arrived in Belgium to make a family, to do something with our lives, but this is a dream also, I could not  make it happen, because I am a bit of a loser, I tried to make things right and instead just make it worse. I love my wife very much she used to be very kind and tender to me but since I have failed at all, I am not anymore a very reliable husband.

I have made my share of mistakes and all lead me to one thing only, enough with this life maybe I will have more luck in the next. I am very sorry about the ones I will live behind, especially my wife and my grandmother.

Violence ,depression ,sadness ,these now are my friends and I used to be a very quiet and respectful man, I react very violent when I get mad, I sometimes lose my control and I want to hurt myself in order to feel the pain. Pain, to feel pain for me is like a confirmation that I am alive, but the pain comes in various forms, the pain that you cannot feel that crawls inside you and stays there in a corner of your mind and slowly drives you on the path of emptiness.

I am empty now. Someone like me is doing the daily routine, and I am inside of my mind ,watching  the other me smiling at people talking with them, helping them, but this guy do not realize one thing, he has lost the battle with life, and at night the black me emerges

I looked on several forums and lots of websites about this, about ending all. Lots of advices, lots of people who may tell you do not do it, you have friends, this is not the way, but the truth is a little darker. We are a race capable of many great things but we chose to let the darkness speak for us. When is the last time when you saw people happy? Look on the street in a crowded place, when is time to go home from work. What do I see? People with dead eyes, I pads, mp3 listen to music walking fast as they can, the daily routine. Did you asked a person on the street –how are you?-they will look at you as someone who disturbs them from their dream, an intruder.

And all in the rush for money

Yes, this is it, the darkness inside me taking over and I cannot stop it.

My wife and I we are not getting along now very good, but I still very much love her, we bought a house 5 months ago, from the little we had, plus help from bank, to advance on the path of happiness-notice the irony-and to fill the house with kids and me I was going to make a little repair computers business in a room, because  the job I have is underpaid, for  an emigrant. She is also working hard, you may say she is the pillar of the family when it comes to money or other problems.

Does not matter anymore ,problems surfaced and this problems combined with my lack of faith in myself , slowly drove me to hide myself from people in my mind, but there, make no mistake, you are alone and will be alone .

Another day

Well I woke up with a bitter taste, as in wait I am still alive… damnit .

My day starts with some coffee and some cigarettes while browsing my email and some funny pictures  on this wonder they called internet, all this time glancing the clock, I have train 45 minutes, then get dressed go to the railway station and wait for the train while drinking an orange juice .During the time I wait for my train, I imagine how it will be to step in front of it, but my survival instinct hold me back so for now I only imagine.

Although I work in a computer shop full of customers ,I feel empty and lonely, now when they are talking with me I give them automated responses, I look through them and feel nothing and think nothing, it is like suddenly a wall or a piece a furniture starts repairing your computer. I’ve become  nothing.

I am sick of all it, I have bills to pay , a wife, but nothing inside,it is almost a grey area around without end.

Anyway ,I was already sick ,before depression took over, I have epilepsy and I am under treatment for about 20 years, with constant changes in medication and all,now I am taking Depakine Chrono 500mg ,but  I have had  it with that too, I stopped taking pills nothing happened yet, I was supposed to make some seizures or something similar, well none of this happened it is like I have no luck in making a seizure either.If no pills did not do the trick maybe lots  it will.

I  have no friend to speak to, my wife she is accusing me for all our unhappiness and she is about right .I did not do much for helping her so I deserve it,I do not want help ,this is only postponing .

Now I recall a lots of nice things from my life, but  all them are blurry, I remember holding hands with her and enjoying together, laughing and fighting, but now all of this is gone ,hidden in a corner of my mind very tight and under a lock, lock called darkness and insanity.

At the surface I am the average Joe who fixes your computer, laughs  at your funny or no so funny jokes, in a word I have no particular signs of insanity or madness. I hide it well. I want it hidden, I will grow it and then release it into the world. It will surface itself and I hardly wait.

What to do now, end it all, continue, fight for life, or  do nothing? Do ,even this word means something, I have to do something but I have no power ,no will, no nothing. Sometimes I post pictures I take with my camera on social media websites, on several  photo websites but that is all interaction I make with people. They may comment on my pictures, like it or something else but I do not speak with them, I just post the photos and go away, but I like it when they like it.

I do not know  why am I writing this nor the use of  it, but maybe at least I will publish this letter addressed to nobody on the internet or maybe I will destroy it in a moment of happiness-right!-.

‘You are very nice” said the customer, and yes I am with them ,because If I get mad, I am afraid about becoming violent and broking things .what do they know, they have their little life ,good or bad does not matter as long they have it and treasure the family and friend they have.

I am very good at what I do, fixing computers and give people advices on how to make things tick but this is how far my knowledge goes. With no life apart the life from work, I am afraid that I am already dead but I do not know it yet.

Well does not matter, I have no feeling left to be hurt, no.

Help, this is a thing I do not need, compassion either, talking with therapists, psychologists, doctors and all of this. Why? So they will give me more pills, more advices, surveillance and other stuff like that? And for what, just to enter into my head, to have a glimpse of my miserable life and all? No thank you very much but you can keep your white coats and pills, I do not want it anymore, I had my share. My grandfather died in a hospital 10 years ago, it was cancer, nothing to do but grief. I still ask him advices in my dreams, I miss him much.

At this point a have no idea what to do with my life and the more I think the more my head starts to feel like a ghost head something you know you have or had but is not there anymore .

A , but wait I have another customer, this one talks a lot about his personal life , how, why, and with lots of details. Like I give a monkey’s ass on it.I do not care ,just shut already, and explain the problem you have with your computer, you are not my long lost buddy. Get it over it. He is not shutting up , he continues with lots of jokes and now comes the hard part, I have to lough at his jokes. But not today, I am not doing that anymore, I just smile with my thoughts at a C4 explosive device or something similar.

I have no power left to write I want to sit in a dark corner and do nothing .

Signing off

Andrew