I’m trying so hard to reclaim my mind from self harm. It’s been five days since I last cut. The first two were okay. The third hard after these kids at school were….. Well they were them. The fourth worse. I was at my best friends birthday party when one of our friends invited a guy. (It was supposed to be just eight of us girls) I was okay at first, then he got out of his car. I got a bad feeling. Immediately after he got out of his car. I was scared. I hid. With my friends I stayed the farthest away from […]
well my best friend and his family just moved into my house. the house i was supposed to start a family in. i thought maybe it would help to be around them and stay for a month or 2 but it just triggered me even more. seeing him and his kids and wife just made me think more of what i have lost. i walked to a secluded place where there is a peaceful creek, im under a tree with a very gentle rain peeking through hitting me in the face every so often. ive got over 100 depehnhydramine and have had about a […]
I’m still trying to find the courage to jump. Jumping is like all I have left to try. Can’t bleed, tried it, got gnarly scars. Can’t OD, too much risk of survival. Want to try the exit bag, but I’ve heard that the success rate is less than favorable. I don’t want to jump. I want to die pretty, and I need my family to know that I’m gone. I don’t want them to worry and wonder if I just disappear and die out in the middle of nowhere. I can’t do that to them.
I don’t want to jump…. I thought about hanging, too, but […]
Well, it’s been about two weeks. As with most things in life, I failed to remove myself from it. A week in the hospital and the doctors are still calling it an accidental overdose. I think that they are in denial. How could “someone with so much to live for and so much going on possibly want to kill themselves. It doesn’t add up.” At least, that’s what they’ve been telling themselves. I can go home tomorrow. My kidney’s are recovering though I’ll be on alert the rest of my life, however long or short that is, to make up for the damage caused by […]
I feel bad and gross and annoyed and sad. I’m never good enough for other people. I’m always everyone’s second choice. I could never be anyone’s favorite person. Why would I be though? I’m horrible at socializing. Id rather be alone than with other people. When I’m alone I’m just myself. I’m not worried of being judged. Saying the wrong things. Not being talkative enough. Not being energetic enough. I feel tired as hell 75% of the day. When I’m with other people I feel lonelier than when I’m with myself. That makes no sense. But why don’t people like me? Do I not look […]
I’m so tired of everything. I’m bullied almost everyday because I’m ugly or too skinny or because i never do anything right. I’m worthless, I’m not good enough for anybody, I never was and I never will be. None of my friends act like they even care, half of my family doesn’t act like they care either. Everything I do is wrong, no matter if I try my best it’s still not good enough. I’m just a waste of space here. I think this week may be my last week. I just can’t do this anymore.
I gave my heart to a man. Completely. Irreparably. For 10 years. He said he loved me. He said I was his best friend and soul mate. He promised to marry me. He promised a life together.
I sacrificed a lot to be with him. My best friend hated him so I distanced myself from her. I waited a long time for him to keep his promises.
I’m sick now, since June. Have missed so much work. Am in a lot of pain. I need stomach surgery. All my doctors suck. They’re in no hurry to fix me. They want tests and more tests. […]
I remember everything that day.. the fight, the feelings of apathy from people who I thought cared about me, and the last song I heard before I went into my coma. The day started out normal with the exception of me waking up late and having to take a quick shower before class. My roommate made it well-known that she was pretty irritated by my actions because she wouldn’t even speak to me the entire day. I tried to ignore it, but the caring person I am tried to fix whatever she was upset about. When I came home, she was downstairs and I knew […]
Oh, baby; oh, gorgeous
Child, sevens to Satori
Are you with me
Vagabond, you can hold the glock’
I’ll use my fist to the end, like a water
Scramble, Faye Valentine
Can I be the never, Spike Spiegel
Black Jack, take it tonight
Caesar at ours, oh
A new story of I and us, will it be forever.
Monastic
Somewhere in Norway, or Sweden or Canada. It’s clear water, maybe in the mountains and it snows during winter. And you can go fishing there, I’ve never been fishing but I would learn how to. A cat and a dog, we would do long walks along the lake in summer, and when it’s cold outside we’d cuddle by the fire with lots of blankets and hot chocolate. I’d even grow my own food if I had to, just a small garden with vegetables. I would have […]
death,
love me.
first time I saw you was in class. i looked at you from the other side of the room, hoping our eyes will meet. guess you didn’t notice.
second time we bumped into each other in the street. you asked what’s up. i was too overwhelmed to answer.
STUPID! STUPID! i later said to myself.
third time i went to your house and rang the bell. i heard your footsteps and fled. i wasn’t ready.
i often like to think that when you opened the door you caught a glimpse of me with one leg in the woods.
death,
i’m so so scared to […]
A child that has been mentally bullied and raped may fall into depression. Who would’ve thunk that? Well, apparently no one.
My mom was there. I called her to come and help me but she didn’t do anything. Why didn’t you do anything? You could have saved me then and you could have saved me now.
You too, big brother. You’ve been there in your room, ignoring the screaming, turning your music up so you don’t have to do anything.
Dad, you’re excused. You were at the office all day. That’s not the best way to raise a child but you had to make some income, […]
I took this photo this morning of my dog Finnegan slurping my cat, Charlie Chow Mein. Maybe I should say his cat. Finnegan is laid back. You can take food out of his mouth and he won’t bite you. If he feels his cat is being threatened though he will become fiercely protective. He will place himself between the perceived threat and the cat, be the threat human or another animal, and he will growl menacingly, his back hairs standing up a bit. And if the threat […]
I’ve suffered from depression since I can remember.
I attempted suicide when I was thirteen. According to my mother, it was a phase.
I’ve been flirting with anorexia for years. That, she said, was a phase too.
But my mother was often naive about a lot of things.
Like her husband for example. He’s cheated, he’s lied, he hit her and sexually abused her.
My mom was ill. Most of what I remember of her was her being admitted in to hospitals. She was blind. I thought most of her ailments were due to the fact that she had diabetes since she was 11 years […]
i thought I was doing well. I thought I had been able to overcome some aspects of depression and hit art a new, better life. But one bad day brought me back to the point I was at over a year ago. One. Bad. Day.
So I’ve been seeing someone to help straighten me out. I’m not sure he understands fully. I have a plan, and a am willing to go through with this. I was waiting to see if things got better. My anxiety has somewhat. I should be thankful for that. I still just find relief in completing the plan. I don’t think it will mean anything for anyone. Even he said no one would give a crap. No kidding. It’s not for anyone else though. Just for me. The only thing I’ve truly ever done for myself. I am waiting patiently. I don’t have a date. I just […]
Hey SP friends, just wanted to wish you all a good day (or night, wherever you are).
I don’t do this usually, but I’m feeling a bit better today, and I hope some of you are too.
“Game-Over”
Callisto, star to star
Where can we leap
Leap like the toad
Only Wonka
Pray for me
Catch Lugia
Pidgey use fly in Armageddon
Come like you’re ready to die
Fire and our glocks
Book Of Eli
Kung-Fu is my new do
My rapping days are over
You can take over
Way back when, when I was young, people used to read. Not forum posts, not news headlines. This thing called books. Maybe some can remember them.
Now I had a pretty shitty childhood. But I loved reading. I read all kinds. It opens the mind, it creates ideas. It makes shitty reality go away for a while so you have time to recover.
It just seems to me that so many young people these days suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts. It is a result of modern society. I just wonder if a bit of old-fashioned reading won’t make things more manageable.
“The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.’”
I first read this line around 5 years ago in college and I didn’t quite understand it. I was thinking of suicide back then too, but not particularly as a good or comforting thing. Back then, I was afraid of suicide and couldn’t understand why it would be a consolation.
I think that I’m starting to understand this aphorism a lot better now. In my worst days, suicide was the only thing that I had to look forward to. In my only slightly better days, I would go […]