Psychotic Tossing and Turning

I can’t sleep. My Grandmother makes it sound so simple. “How can’t you sleep? Turn everything off and lay down!” Gee, thanks Gran, haven’t tried that one before! She means well, though. So I listen to her long enough for her to feel comfortable enough to leave me alone before I resume doing whatever it was I was up to before she entered my room.

I’m a schizophrenic. People avoid me when they find out about it, they think I’m so crazy. They’re usually the people I’d avoid anyway – the people who barely know you but pretend they do based on the rumors they hear about you – so it’s not like I’m losing anything. Schizophrenia is like having all the channels of your TV playing in your head at once. There’s usually never a dull moment for you. It can drive you insane if you aren’t properly medicated.

When I was younger I would have intense mood swings, and even attack others, based on what I was hearing in my head. I had no idea what was real and what my brain was playing tricks on me. I was having these active conversations with what I thought were talking animals and shadows, when in reality I was having these long drawn out conversations with myself. Obviously, my family was super concerned. I’m a rare case, I was told. Usually these symptoms wouldn’t show up until I was a young adult or even in my middle age. When I realized I had a problem, life became very scary for me.

After tossing and turning for awhile, I decided to get up. I was then confronted by a Penguin. he was upset because I wasn’t paying attention to him. The medication I take for my schizophrenia works most of the time, but during others I usually have these hallucinations. I’ve learned by now to tune them out, but that doesn’t mean I’m not listening to what they’re saying to me. The most horrible thing I was ever told was that everything would go away if I killed everyone I knew. I was so freaked out that I locked myself in my room, I was crying too hard to focus on anything else they were saying.

Sometimes they would chant my name. “Penelopeeeeeeeeee! Peneeeeeeelopeee! Penelope!” One time I freaked out and began to yell, “What do you want from me?!” I was at school in a classroom that was quiet taking a test, so I was asked to leave and see the nurse. I hate how much of a burden I can be to others. I’m not crazy, but sometimes I act that way. I don’t have hallucinations all the time, thanks to my medication, but sometimes I do and they can be hectic.

This doesn’t really have anything to do with suicide. I mean, it was part of the reason why I was suicidal. I simply wanted to be a normal girl like all the others. But I’m far from normal, and I’ve come to accept that. 🙂 Hopefully this doesn’t get deleted, as I would love feedback.