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The Coward’s Way Out

by Zander0451

I’ve lived the last 5 years with severe depression and I’m sick of everything. Why should I bother anymore? To quote Macbeth; “I am in blood stepped in so far that should I wade no more, returning were as tedious as to go on.” My life is miserable at the moment, has been for a long time, and likely will be for alot longer. I’ve even found that I’m too useless to even help myself; when I make commitments to myself to make a change for the better I always break it and find that I’ll always be the coward I swore I’d never become. I think soon I’m just going to give up – and would there be anyone who would be surprised by this, since I’ve given up on everything before now? I am a failure, my life is a dead end and there’s nothing anyone can do to change it. No matter how hard I try I will always end up hurting myself or everyone around me. For the first time in my life I actually feel liberated – not because I’ve healed in any way, but because I know that when you hit rock bottom there’s not much lower you can go. All that’s left is for me to die. For my existence to cease and for nothing to be left of me but tortured memories of those who had the misfortune of knowing me.

I’m going to be remembered as the failure who never even tried to help himself. My head is infested with snakes; my life is unrelenting, unadulterated pain that wont end until I die. Should I go on, or should I give up now?

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soonerthecosmos 9/1/2014 - 6:54 am

You have described succinctly and beautifully (with the help of The Bard) exactly what I feel. I felt my heart wrung while reading that. I have no advice but I am here to listen.

TwistedSpace 9/1/2014 - 10:06 am

If you’d like to chat, I’m on most of the time. I understand how you feel, as I’ve been there before.

MRS_SNOOPY 9/1/2014 - 3:06 pm

My sister took her own life this year. She was in her fifties and was bipolar. I had to cope with the fallout…her distraught kids, sick husband (at home, with MS) – our parents (both 88, one has Alzheimers.) She was missing for three months before we found her body. I just found out my own apparently normal son is actually a gambling addict who beats up his girlfriend when he is drunk. My life is a sham. It is not real. It completely imploded this year and I am only 52. I am now having thoughts of ending it all as I feel such a so guilty that I could not stop her suicide, and I simply cannot cope with constantly having to be the glue that holds this family together. I am being stretched in all directions. I have a foolproof way of doing it. All it takes is a decision. I won’t yet, because I have seen what I will leave behind and although I won’t be around to witness it this time…I just cannot do that to my family again so soon. Why am i answering your post? Your words struck a chord with me. A lot of people on here are young, and attention seeking. Its hard to spot the genuine seeker. Why do we bother to post? Why don’t we just do it? None of the people on here really care.

I’m listening though.

Zander0451 9/1/2014 - 11:10 pm

Jesus, I’m so sorry for you…
I am genuinely sorry. What you’ve gone through must be horrible – I couldn’t even imagine. I hope things get better for you, because you do sound like a strong person. Having to deal with something like this and choosing to go on for even one more day is a strong choice.

I’m glad people are relating to what I’ve wrote; when I write things like these, I’m writing from my personal experience but I also hope to engage other people and maybe help someone else realize that there is more to life for them. Maybe that’s a pretentious thing to do, I don’t know. Either way, stay safe and keep on.

nozmoking 9/1/2014 - 4:26 pm

As soonerthecosmos wrote, you’ve touched on things many of us feel. But most importantly you’ve expressed things that may have been trapped in your head but never really released. I know it may not seem all that significant but just talking about these things is powerfully healing.

“I’m going to be remembered as the failure who never even tried to help himself” – I could be wrong, but that seems like a message others have given you. I don’t sense that at all. Even the final “act” is an attempt at helping yourself and by far and away is not “cowardly”. I’m not encouraging you to do it; as much as I would end my own plight at the drop if a hat I also see the value in giving myself one more day – one more chance to find a way to turn things around.

I sincerely hope you can muster the strength to continue posting here if nothing else. There are a very many good people here and one of the most important things you can do for yourself is to keep expressing your thoughts and feelings in a safe place.

-peace

Zander0451 9/1/2014 - 11:13 pm

Thanks for your kind words, that really put things in perspective for me. I’m glad I decided to start posting here, and I’ll continue to do so into the future. Keep cool.

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