I left for a while because I thought my life was getting better. I had my suicide planned but didn’t go through with it. My financial situation improved and things were almost looking up. Mom’s health has been returning and some of the people living with us moved out.
But then I received a dose of soul crushing reality today that just threw me right back to the end of the line. I made a post about this before but here’s a recap : I’ve never had luck with love. My love has mostly been unrequited. I’ve been in love for the past two years with someone that I knew would never love me but his girlfriend of 8 years cheated on him and left him in January so I spent all this time with him thinking I had a chance to experience real, pure, blissful love for the first time.
I never had a chance at all. I realize that now. He’s started seeing some other girl, someone I’ve never met or heard of, someone that’s much prettier and skinnier than me, someone who probably doesn’t become so terribly depressed that it cripples any love or self confidence she had for herself. I had been tricking myself into thinking someone could love me when I knew the cold reality all along. And now that its happened, my heart is aching as though it had no right to happen in the first place, as if I was entitled to his affections simply because I want it more than any human being has ever desired anything in the history of humanity.
It was pathetic for me to ever think I had a chance. It’s pathetic of me to cry over him or even want to die because of him. Maybe this is just how it’s always going to be. As long as I live I will long and loose and be stuck in a perpetual sense of loneliness. There will never be anyone for me. I will die alone and by my own hand. There’s nothing for me in this life but a second rate existence. I can’t go on if this is the way I have to live. I would rather die than be alone. So I suppose that’s what I’ll do.