The Sad Truth

The sad truth is that I deserve what has happened to me. I don’t want to be a victim anymore. My life has gotten better and worse since I originally joined SP April of last year. I’ve been in love and then lost it, I’ve made friends and lost them just as easily, and I have felt successful and happy for the first time and then lost it. I use the word lost as if I had any control over the situations, but I didn’t. All of those things were taken from me while I sat and watched. I surrendered before the fight even began. Suicide has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks. It usually makes a guest appearance, and then I easily dismiss it because of the failed “attempts.” For some reason suicide is lingering this time. I know people will be hurt if I decide to make my exit, but with every fiber of my being I know I wasn’t meant to last this long. Some people are just meant to die. I’ve heard people describe suicide as “angels returning home because earth was just too cruel.” I’m not sure if I believe that, but its something to think about I guess. What I am sure of is that I’m waiting, waiting for someone to push me. I am just standing on the edge waiting for someone to walk by and push me over. Every time something in my life goes sour I wig out, even little things cause me to spiral out of control. I posted secrets on Whisper and was made fun of and harassed. Those people don’t know how long it even took me to type out the words, to actually admit my secret, but hey they wouldn’t of given a damn anyway. I’ve seen what suicide has done to a family, and I’ve seen their loved one’s bodies. The family had “no idea” things were bad, but in one glance I could see all the hurt and the pain that that individual felt. I have seen many people that have committed suicide in many different ways. One sadder then the next. That has always been a weakness of mine. Every time I cared for a suicide I have taken extra care, knowing that one day I would be on that table. Who knows when that day will come, probably sooner then later.