Well, it’s been about two weeks. As with most things in life, I failed to remove myself from it. A week in the hospital and the doctors are still calling it an accidental overdose. I think that they are in denial. How could “someone with so much to live for and so much going on possibly want to kill themselves. It doesn’t add up.” At least, that’s what they’ve been telling themselves. I can go home tomorrow. My kidney’s are recovering though I’ll be on alert the rest of my life, however long or short that is, to make up for the damage caused by my concoction. The lining in my stomach is nearly gone so mild foods only. My lungs will only work at 85% capacity.
I wasn’t able to kill myself properly. Or maybe, I just didn’t have enough time. Nosy neighbors….Most people run the other way when they hear screaming…Fuck. I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that I failed or the fact that no one even suspects what’s going on. “It was an accident! She’s never been suicidal?” Shows how much you fucking know me…I”m tired of being the happy girl everyone sees. I’m not happy and I’m not well…even more so now…
I’ve lost two friends because “I haven’t spoken to them in weeks.” I’ve been unconscious for most of that time. They didn’t care for an explanation. I guess i’m not worth the time. The silver lining of no one recognizing that I just had a failed suicide attempt is the fact that I won’t have people taking away all of my things and making my place “kill proof.” No one nosing around my business…No suicide watch and annoying 3 a.m. calls…I don’t know anymore. I’ve lost all connections to any support systems I’ve had.
I’ve never felt more alone and lonely. I don’t really know what to do anymore. I….just can’t.
6 comments
We’re here for you. What did you OD on? If you don’t mind me asking?
Sweety, I know what you’re going through… If you want to talk, you can email me. freedom.kellina@outlook.com
Painkillers. I had hurt my back prior to my decision and I was prescribed some rather strong medication. I took a few for my back for pain, and then I became very very upset at many different things and shortly after all of that I took some more. The time frame was over an hour of taking pills. That is why the doctors are confused.
I’m so sorry. OD’s are complicated and very difficult to get right. Why did you try to end your life?
There were many different factors. As I inferred above, my social support systems are now completely gone. I don’t really have anything to live for. All of my friends have decided that I am not worth keeping around. No one showed up for my 21st birthday party. I put so much effort into maintaining relationships that people take for granted. I work endlessly for no thanks or gratification. My value is about as much as a speck of sand in the desert. Honestly, pick a pathetic excuse from the pond and it will probably apply.
Don’t buy into what they think about you. Don’t sell yourself short. Things can get better. All of this is only temporary, truly. You can turn things around and have an amazing life. You really can.