I’ve realized that nothing amuses me or makes me happy. My life is becoming a boring routine. I’m in college and yes, I have different classes every day but it’s all the same to me.
Today, I woke up at 5:20. I don’t drive so I have to rely on someone who has their own business to drop me off. I went to class, where I almost fell asleep in. Now I have this huge gap, 4 hours, until my last class. I have no friends here. I don’t talk to anyone. I don’t mind it but it gets boring. Then I’ll most likely go home and listen to my mom complain about how I’m useless and stupid. Then I’ll do my homework and clean. Lock myself in my room, cutting. Finally maybe falling asleep to wake up to the same routine.
I literally hate who I am. Everything about myself makes me angry. That’s why I’m so easily irritated by everything. I’m not comfortable in my own skin. The bathroom in my college has long, never ending mirrors. I glanced at myself as I passed by and I felt the urge to just cut myself. Of course, I didn’t, there were other girls in the bathroom too.
I really just want to die. I see no point in my life. It would be so easy to just fall asleep and never wake up. To not have people stare at me because of my careless and depressed look. I look exactly the way I feel. I’m just over this whole “things will get better” bullshit.