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A piece of my fragmented heart

by Lsari

Well, I am in my final year of my studies. I somehow managed to scrape through the first 3 years but I honestly I don’t know how. This is my 4th year and I have no clue what I have been doing. For 4 years I have not progressed at all. Apart from going to lectures, I spend all my time in my room watching anime, reading or playing games. I have suffered chronic depression for as long as I can remember as well as social anxiety. I hated school beyond words, the worst part about school was break time. I never had anyone to hang out with. I wound up cycling to school just to avoid being around people on the bus. I was petrified of being around lots of people, I have always hated people, I found them to be foreign creatures that could never understand the feelings I carried within my own heart. As one might imagine, this demeanor would guarantee that no one would so much as talk to me, much less befriend me. I always hoped I would one day make a friend but simultaneously I know I couldn’t cope with such a thing.

Well, somehow I managed to get into a college (my highschool marks were diabolically shit unsurprisingly), to which I completed a 3 year IT diploma, I came to the realization that I don’t know shit about what I studied and would never hire myself. So, I wind up getting into a university to complete my Btech in IT. This is where I currently am, in my 4th year not knowing jack shit about my studies and suffering a mental break down which has resulted in me not going to uni for weeks and failing to do my assignments.

So back to my original sentence, I feel I have wasted 4 years, since I have not changed as a person at all. I have little doubt that I will be failing this year and I don’t know how to cope with it. I don’t think I actually care about failing but I do care about the shame that will be brought upon me from my family. They have always told me I was worthless and the looks of disdain I always see in their eyes kills any self worth I may have fruitlessly built up. My step brothers mock me and call me a loser, they always have since I have had poor grades and no social life.

I just want to get away and live on my own far away from other people but that dream seems impossible. It has taken every bit of strength inside me to get this far in life and I am so utterly dejected at my life that I can’t even enjoy the only things that ever gave me joy (anime/reading & games). I am so broken, I feel my heart tearing itself apart every waking moment. I have been emotionally drained for so many years and have always wished for an end to my existence. I can’t handle living this life anymore, I just want to disappear into nothingness.

I can’t seek help, since I have no one to talk to & no money for a therapist. If I told my family how I felt, I know they would just mock me and break me further. I have never even played online gaming, so I guess messaging on a suicide type site is my first time trying to communicate with someone outside of a work related environment. I just wanted to try and release these feelings, if only a little bit. Unlike others, I am not seeking help to prolong my life, instead I am hoping that this will somehow give me more resolve to give myself the peace that I so desire.

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Vertrag 10/6/2014 - 9:22 am

Lsari,

I’m sorry to hear that you have been going through such a rough time. While I can’t make you any empty promises that the future will be any better, I just wanted you to know you are not completely alone. While I can’t say my story is the same as yours, there are definitely parallels and if you ever want to talk, feel free to message me.

As for a therapist, you say you are currently at a uni? I’m assuming this is in the US. I think most uni’s have some kind of counseling center where they will give students free counseling (sometimes it might be limited to a certain number of sessions, but they usually have some). Maybe you can see if your uni offers this? They sometimes have support groups too, but I haven’t able to bring myself to attend one for fear of people mocking me so I don’t know how well those work…

Either way, I wish you the best of luck and I hope today is a little brighter for you.

Lsari 10/6/2014 - 12:20 pm

Thank you for the advice. I doubt I could actually go to those “counseling” sessions but it is definitely something to ruminate on.

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