I feel alone. All the time. It’s the worst feeling in the world. I can be in a crowded place with lots of people and still feel all alone. Sometimes I wonder whether or not it would be worth it to just kill myself and spare everyone around me from the misery I feel. I am very good at keeping it to myself, but sometimes, I slip. And when I slip, people decide they hate me and walk out of my life. That in itself is a horrible thing to have to go through. Just yesterday, one of my best friends decided I wasn’t worth the trouble of knowing, and he told me to fuck off. It hurt so bad that I couldn’t stand it. Now, a little bit of back story before I tell you what I did in response. I used to cut. Not a whole lot, and not usually very deep, but just enough to relieve the pain in my heart. I haven’t cut in over 6 months. But last night, it was too much pain to bear. So I pulled out one of my old blades, and I cut. The unfortunate thing is, even though it takes a lot to make me bleed.. It also takes a lot to get it to stop bleeding once it’s started. So I sat for a good twenty minutes trying to get it to stop. It finally did, but not before I started feeling light-headed. But, during that time I tried to get it to stop, I still had that twenty minutes to sit and think. I wish sometimes I could turn off my ability to think, as it has gotten me into lots of trouble. This time though, this time was different. My mind spiraled out of control quickly, leaving me in a state of shock and confusion. I wondered that if there was really a god out there, why does he let me suffer like this? I was a Christian for a long time, but after last night.. I’m not so sure. Every Christian I’ve met so far has the same bland, dull, dusty response to that question. “He does this for a better purpose.” As far as I’m concerned, that is a bunch of bullshit (pardon language). I’ve gone through too much in my life to even concern myself with a god who doesn’t care. Another thought that crossed my mind.. Why am I even letting myself suffer through this? Despite the fact that I cut, I’m not a masochistic person. If a situation hurts too badly, I will leave. When I thought about that, another horrid thought crossed my mind. “If your life hurts this badly, why haven’t you left yet?” That question has been playing around in my mind for years now, but last night, I finally acknowledged it. I accepted it. My life is NOT going to get better. For years, all it has done is gotten worse. I am so very, very tired of dealing with that pain. Despite all my efforts to lessen/weaken the pain, my depression has only gotten a strong death grip on my soul. I am afraid that if one more thing happens to me, that will be the last straw. Someone.. anyone.. If you hear my words, and you can identify, HELP ME.