I need someone to listen…and maybe someone to talk to

I really need someone to listen to my story and my feelings. I am in a position where I can really get the help I need and don’t really have anyone to talk to. Even if I did, there are some things I can’t really tell them.

 

This is really long, but it would really save me if someone can read it and respond…and maybe talk to me.

 

So, I am just going to pour out my feelings here. A lot of what I write will be vague, because I can’t divulge my identity (I’ll explain why later.)

Recently I’ve felt very suicidal for a lot of reasons. The only reason I haven’t done it yet is because I am afraid of what happens after death. I am not a religious person, because of idea of “god” and “religion” just doesn’t make sense to me. But that’s not what this is really about, and I don’t want to talk about religion.

 

Back story:

When I was young, before my teens, my mother passed away from a disease. My father, although he had a short temper, worked very hard to support our average-sized family. He had hit me once and gave me a black eye, because I told a lie. He got arrested for a short time, but after that he was completely better and never hit us again.

He ALWAYS breaks his promises. Whenever he says “I promise” it’s a guarantee that it will be broken. He has let me down so many times, and that’s kind of why I hate him. But, at the same time, he worked hard for his family and that’s why I love him. He never drank much, he never did drugs. But he yelled almost every day and threw things a lot. I guess he had a lot of stress.

 

I didn’t plan to go to college. I only went for 2 reasons.

1.) To escape my family.

2.) A stranger a met told me their story of not going to college and how they regret it. He told me to go. So I went.

I never felt like my family was my “real” family. I felt different and distant. Like I should have been born somewhere else in the world. With different circumstances.

During my childhood I discovered another country’s culture. I studied the language by myself after school. I learned a little. I read about the nation’s history. I felt like it was were I was supposed to have been born. I made a decision that in my future I would move there and work there. I made this decision in middle school. It was my dream.

 

There is another facet to this time of my life. I was born male, but always felt female. Yet, I was attracted to women. I felt the male body, including my own, was absolutely disgusting. I kept this inside for so long. I wanted to tell someone, but I couldn’t. My family was so religious. I couldn’t say it. I wish I had spoken up sooner.

I was seeing a psychiatrist after my mother’s death. My father made every go. About a year later I stopped going. Several years later I saw a documentary on TLC about transgendered people and GID. I realized something could be done. I asked to go back to the psychiatrist, under the pretext of being unable to concentrate in school.

This was a total lie because my grades were actually stellar and I was on the honor roll and received several awards. I was invited to attend a ceremony in Washington D.C. on one occasion and invited to attend a youth leader’s conference in D.C. on another. My father refused to let me go both times. I still don’t know why.

 

Anyway, I went to the psychiatrist. After a few sessions, I told her I wanted to be female. I had wanted to since I was maybe 5 or so. A few sessions later, we told my father. He was surprised, but the first thing he said was “Do you like men?” and I said “No, I like women.” and he said “Okay, then it’s fine.” How strange.

 

He told me he loved me and he would always support me, but when it came time to get hormone injections he was very reluctant and complained about it every time. But he still said “I support you”. And immediately after “But I won’t allow you to do this under my roof.” He constantly contradicted himself and it hurt me a lot.

 

So, off I went to college. All on my own, I sought out mental health professionals and doctors who could safely give me hormones. I didn’t want to do anything risky or take any chances. I’m the type of person who does things on the up-and-up.

It was my dream to change my name and my gender, especially on my IDs. Finally, toward the end of college, I did it. Changed my name, my passport, my IDs, my style, everything. I made my dream come true.

 

I felt “Life was worth living. This was worth hanging in there.”

 

And I was happy.

 

I graduated, but because of the sudden economic recession, had trouble getting a job even after graduating from an Ivy League school. Instead, i got a job doing my hobby, which was nice..for a while. But it was dead end. No chance for advancement. No opportunities to learn new skills. My co-workers and boss were nice, though.

I was living in a city I hated. In a country I hated. I didn’t feel safe there. It was expensive. I had a deadbeat girlfriend who failed out of school and wasn’t working, but who was living with me. I paid for everything with a low salary. I had to escape.

 

I wanted a better life. A better relationship. I wanted to make my other dream, my dream of living in my dream country, come true. So I did it.

 

I applied to an overseas company. I got the job. I told my family I was leaving. I said I was probably never coming back. They were not so sad. They just said “If that’s where you want to be, then you should go.”

 

My girlfriend was devastated. She couldn’t move back in with her parents. Their house was too small. She had no job and no education. I set up job opportunities for her which she didn’t take. I recommended enrolling in other schools, which she didn’t do. I don’t feel so bad about leaving her. I paid for her food and rent for years. I have a lot of trouble feeling other people’s suffering or pain. Maybe I’m just too consumed my own (perceived?) pain?

 

So, I packed my things and headed off to my dream country, to make my other big dream come true. I should mention that before leaving, I had been very depressed and seeing a therapist for about 4 years. I was also taking medication for the depression.

When I arrived in the new country, I felt euphoria. Here I was. My dream has come true.

 

I ran out of depression medicine. But I still felt so happy. I went to the hospital to get more, just in case. I took them for a while, but eventually decided to stop after a few months. I was no longer depressed. I was so happy. My dreams had come true. I had changed my gender. I was passing as a woman in the country of my dreams, doing a job I loved and making a decent wage.

 

About a year later, I met a girl, who really liked me. She was a lesbian, so I was nervous about telling her my secret. Also, she was a little boyish, which I didn’t like so much. But I quickly told her the truth about me, and she was fine with it.

Long story short, I decided to give the relationship a go. And I told her my type. And she has been changing for me. She dresses a little differently and acts differently around me. She is almost my dream girl. (Almost) But hey, I am really happy with what I have.

For someone like me, to get someone as wonderful as her, I’m truly blessed.

 

….

 

So this is where things start to get worse. After 2 years of dating, we decided we wanted to move in together. I was living in my company’s apartment, and they don’t allow you to move out unless you are married.

My company knew I was a transsexual (they told me they knew because they need to do background checks on all employees), even though all my ID says female.

I explained that I can’t get married in this country because my ID is female and my girlfriend is, of course, female, but we want to live together. The company said “NO”. “You MUST be married.”

I explained that it was impossible, but want to be together. The company still said “NO.”

I waited a few months and asked again. Another “NO”.

I explained about my contributions to the company.

1.) After I entered the company we’ve consistently met sales targets, something which was not happening before I arrived.

2.) I had the most clients of all the staff there.

3.) My client renewal rate was the highest.

4.) My client reviews were the best.

I was making our company wealthy and the clients were very happy. Still, the company denied my request. After several years of faithful service, I was not allowed to leave my company apartment.

 

I loved my girlfriend and wanted to live with her. I thought I had two options.

1.) Keep working at my company and live separately forever.

2.) Quit my company, move in with her, and maybe try to find another job.

But I didn’t want to quit and I didn’t want to live separately. So I thought of another way:

Change my ID back to male.

I felt, legally, I could, because genetically I AM male. So I both called and e-mailed the U.S. Embassy and explained the situation. And, sure enough, they allowed me to change my passport back to male. Easy.

I felt like my dream to change my ID to female was shattered, but it was worth it to marry to girl I love and spend my life together with her.

 

Before I did this, I told my boss and his boss (a manager at our headquarters) about my intentions. They said it was fine. They said it was personal, and as long as it doesn’t effect my work performance, then it was no problem. We discussed this in BOTH English AND the country’s native language to be absolutely clear. It was a 3 person discussion and at no point was anyone confused. We finished the discussion very positively and everything was clear. We talked about my intentions again on a few occasions since that time, and nothing was ever not understood.

 

Fast forward a few months. I get my new passport and my birth certificate. We get married. I tell my company I want to move in with her now, and file the appropriate paperwork. My boss and his boss (headquarters guy) say “Congratulations!”

Then, ONE person at the headquarters, didn’t like my idea. He didn’t know about it because 1.) The people I DID tell said it was private and I didn’t need to tell anyone else and 2.) I didn’t tell him because…why should I? It’s just a marker on an ID and it’s private and doesn’t affect my job at all.

So he told me he was angry at me for finding a “loophole” to get married and live with my wife.

 

Keep in mind this person was not a native of that country, like the other people I told. He was a native from my home country. And he seemed to have a problem with GLBT people.

He gave me a lot of grief for my plan, but I could move in with my wife.

 

A few months later, he told me he decided not to renew my employment contract. He said was not my boss’s decision. Nor my boss’s boss’s decision. It was his, this powerful man who was high up on the ladder, decision. His unilateral biased decision. He said it was not because I was transgendered. He said it was not because I found a loophole. He said there were two reasons:

1.) He personally feels he can’t trust me because I didn’t tell him of my plan (even though I told two people who it actually matters to and they told me I didn’t have to tell anyone else.)

2.) Our interpersonal relationship had suffered and part of the employment contract is to have good relationships with other staff members. This guy is not even a staff member at my branch, but a headquarters employee whom I’ve met maybe 3 or 4 times over several years.

 

So there it was….I was out of a job. In a foreign land. Recently married. In a new house with my wife. Jobless. And also, with an ID that says “male” but with a completely female appearance.

 

There was no way I was going to get another job with that ID.

 

So I started my own business. And it’s hard as hell. I make less than half of what I make before.

 

But I have my freedom from the company. We also had had a change in management and the new boss was absolutely horrible. The person scolded us for anything and everything and made us do tons of busy work. The person called us babies and children to our faces. We were not allowed to make small talk and never ever laugh. We were shouted at if we laughed or smiled. We had to move books back and forth from different bookshelves without reason. If we asked “Why” we were yelled at and told to “just do as you are told. Don’t ask stupid questions.” We had a new co-worker join us around that time and our boss told that co-worker not to listen to anything the staff say because we are all horrible employees. The new employee was only, officially, allowed to speak to the boss (though we spoke on many occasions about how horrible the boss was). It was hell.

 

In addition, the company had been involved in many unethical activities, of which I was obligated to take part in. Refusing boss’s orders was “insubordination” according to our contract and we could be fired for it. On several occasions I felt something was unethical and refused to do it, and was promptly reminded that I could be fired for insubordination.

Furthermore, the company had been involved in some illegal activities. Thankfully I was never involved in them. However, I do have proof of their illegal activities but have not gone to the authorities with this information.

According to the contract, even after I leave the company I am forbidden from doing any action which could bring harm in any way to the company. This is why I cannot say the company name, the type of company, the country, or anything that could easily identify it. It is also why I can’t specifically go into detail (yet) about their unethical and illegal activities.

 

But now, I am free with my own business. I work from 7:30 AM until 3:00 or 4:00 AM. Sometimes I do not sleep at night. I never enjoy any hobbies. I can’t even watch TV for more than 1 hour a week.

 

My hair is turning gray and I’m in my 20s. My skin condition is getting worse and I have a lot of age spots and freckles. I have a lot of wrinkles. This is all from extreme stress. My doctors told me it too.

 

I work and I work and I work. I have a lot of clients (because I believe that I am good at what I do and put a lot of effort into it), but I have no time for me.

 

I feel stuck. I’m in a foreign land. With no time to study the language so it’s hard to improve. I can feel my ability slipping. Life gets harder and harder. I am very depressed.

 

I am feeling so terrible. I feel everything is wrong with me and I feel worthless. I started cutting myself on my legs and stomach (places clients can’t see). I never used to cut myself, even when I had severe depression in my home country.

 

I feel I am ugly. Logically, I know I am not, but I still FEEL I am. I can’t look in the mirror anymore without breaking into tears at my face. I can see the signs of aging and stress.

I sometimes throw up when I feel fat…even though I am average. I just FEEL fat and UGLY.

I feel my face is so ugly. I feel that anything that could happen to it would be an improvement. I often think about cutting my face. Where I have wrinkles and age spots. I HATE it.

 

I’ve been thinking about suicide for a couple of months now. My business is successful but it’s just such hard work and I want to give up. But I can’t drop my clients because I’ll lose face. And I can’t stop working because I have student loans to pay (Ivy League school isn’t cheap).

 

I want to die because I am just so tired of fighting. I feel like I’ve fought my entire life. Against my father. Against my family’s religion. Against the government to get my ID changed. Against my company to let me get married. Against people in power. And now against the clock. I struggle to meet my deadlines…but I always manage to do it…with 36 hours of no sleep twice a week.

And with my own clock. I feel chest pains and I worry about having a heart attack due to stress. I can’t see a therapist because the nearest hospital is about 1 hour away by bus. I can’t really afford 1 hour there, 1 hour back, and 1 hour with a therapist.

 

I need that time to do my job.

 

I don’t think about my wife and how sad she would be if I died. I can’t really empathize with other people’s feelings. I’ve told her everything I’ve written here. She is very sad and begs me not to die. But I don’t care. I am tired of fighting.

 

I just don’t have a day where I don’t work work work work.

 

Also, my best friend lives in my home country. It’s hard to talk with him. My best friends in this country have either moved back to their home countries (if they are not natives) or moved to a different city (natives).

 

I have no good friends in the city I live in. No one to talk to. Even if I make another friend who is a native in this country, I feel stress trying to speak in the language because I have no time to study it now. (I can read and write fine, but speaking is getting tougher. I read and write every day for my job, so that skill is okay, but I don’t speak it too much).

 

I feel stuck here. Work Work Work. I felt I got screwed. Several years of loyalty and dedication to my company, destroyed by 1 person in power. Struggling to make ends meet in a foreign land. No one can understand it. I gave up my gender marker to live with the person I loved and keep working at the company…and it was for naught. I should have just quit and kept my gender marker and just moved in together and gotten another job.

 

So, where do I turn? I can’t go back to my home country because I hate it there. It’s dangerous for me. And my wife cannot speak English and can’t work there.

 

Is all I can do just keep fighting forever? When will the fighting end? I just don’t know how to keep going. I don’t enjoy my life. I loathe it. Every minute feels terrible. It’s a race to meet deadlines and pay the rent and my student loans. I can’t talk with anyone.

 

There are other reasons why I feel like the world would be better without me.

I have two other serious problems that I can’t get over, which make me a monster.

I’ve told my wife and my best friend about these issues, and they still accept me. But I can’t type them here. But I can say that I often feel like acting on my impulses, which would be illegal activities. Although I know that, legally, it’s wrong, I can’t feel it is or understand “why”. So I am afraid that someday I won’t be able to control myself and I’ll do something horrible. I don’t want to deal with that.

I just feel that someday I won’t be able to hold back, and my monster, which I’ve been suppressing since childhood, will come out. Logically, it’s not good, but I can’t feel it or understand it.

 

What is wrong with me?

 

I feel the world would be better without me. How can I reconcile these horrible feelings?

 

How…why…should I keep on fighting?

I need someone who can help me…

Thank you for reading.