My Note

I wrote this up a good while back, and all of it still applies.

I still want to die almost every day, but I can’t as long as my girlfriend is still with me

If you’ve found this, it means that you’re either nosy as hell, or I am dead.

I mean no harm to anyone by killing myself.

This is my own fault, and not yours, more than likely.

To Leelee, my beautiful, smart, and lovely girlfriend; I have but to say that I am so, so fucking sorry. You are a great person, and you did all that was in your power to make me happy. You are the best thing I’ve ever had. This is not your fault. If anything, it’s the complete opposite. You’ve been my reason for living thus far. I was going to kill myself multiple times during 10th grade year, but I found that after I started crushing on you, I couldn’t kill myself without letting you know how i felt about you yet. Please don’t get mad at yourself for what I have done. This is in no way your fault. The only crime you have committed is thievery of my heart. <3 Please continue getting better. For me, for yourself, for everyone that knows you. You are too important for the world to lose. I know it may be hard, but you’re strong. You can do this. I’m already so proud of how good you’ve done. Take good care of yourself, okay darling? Goodbye, babe, and it’s been lovely being with you.

To Dez, my moirail, good friend and fellow fandom member, I have not much to say to you but that I am so sorry that I have likely have or will have killed myself, and I have probably hurt you all so bad (I am a piece of shit after all.) Thanks for all the memories that we have together. Please, if you take anything from my life, let it be that you change your characters (rape? more like no. that shit isn’t funny or fun. please stop. seriously.) Also, please for the love of all the things I cared about in life, BREAK UP WITH SHYLA. She has done nothing but hurt you all the time. I hate my friends being hurt. Seriously, I don’t even care any more how much it may hurt your feelings, shit needs to be dealt with, and soon. I won’t even mind if you get with Leelee. I’m probably dead anyways if you’re reading this.

To Shyla, I have nothing to say now but that I am not going to pay you back whatever’s left of that dollar, and I want nothing more to do with you. You’ve shown your true colors to me now and have made me come to hate you. Goodbye.

To Pj, the last (but definitely not least important) friend of mine; I just have two words for you: THANK YOU, you beautiful person. You’ve made these years certainly very fun and important, and I care about you very much. I hope you continue to get better, and grow as a person. We may not agree on some things, but you have been a great keeper of secrets and listening, caring ears. I’m proud of where you’ve gotten so far, and I know that you can get better. Even your art is improving. Thanks for all you’ve done for me. Take care, now.

TO THOSE THAT I USED TO BE CLOSE TO:

Cassidy: I don’t remember that much specifically with me and you, but be kind to yourself. Take care of the dogs for me, and be sure to give Apple and Gator extra love from me.

John: Yeah, umm… I give you the same advice. Be kinder to yourself. Let yourself be a little more open. Go get that girl!

Josh: I haven’t known you that long, but you seemed pretty okay. Stop being so fucking hard on yourself. You ARE worth taking care of, and your anxiety is just making things seem much, much worse than they actually are. Not everyone hates you, you know? Also, those jokes that you make that you think are just fucking hilarious aren’t. They’re very rude and offensive, you ass.

Makenzie: I don’t have much to say to you. Please grow as a person and stop throwing the word n**** around like it’s nothing. That word has a history of hate, abuse, rape, and slavery behind it. It doesn’t make you cool.

Mom: I just want to say that you need to lighten up and stop being so harsh on everyone and concentrating on the negatives in everything. You’re even harsh on Jeremiah, and as I’m writing this, he’s only five. Make better choices in the guys you date, please. Get second opinions on how nice of a guy he is. See how he acts around older women in his family. That’s how he’s gonna treat you.

Valora: You are beautiful. Please don’t lose weight. I struggled for quite some time with eating and stuff, and I don’t want you to develop an eating disorder too. Please get some counseling, and if you really must lose weight, please do it safely. Remember, fitspo is just thinspo in running shoes. It’s not healthy. I love you. Be careful around men, and date better guys. Be super careful about everything since you’re in college. I don’t want you to become another statistic. I hate that I have to say that, but it’s a dangerous world out here. It was cool growing up with you. You’ll have known me my whole life if things go according to plan.

Jeremiah: You’re just 5 now. Things are gonna get hard. Sissy had to go because she didn’t feel good anymore, but you will always have me in your memories. Bye bye.

Mawmaw Violet: You’ve been a great sense of confidence in my life. You made me feel so much better about dating a girl and you didn’t even know it. Thanks for the friendship, fun, food, and memories. The only advice I have for you is to stop being so racist. I know that we grew up during different times, but not everyone is that bad. I’ve known plenty of great POC and not one of them has hurt me. Also, please stop smoking. That is so bad for you.

Mrs. Nancy: You’re really cool. Please, though, take it easy on yourself. I don’t want you to get hurt anymore.

Mawmaw Earline: Thanks for being so kind and generous. I hope you continue trying to stop smoking too. Please be kinder about religion and race, though.

Mike: You aren’t actually my grandfather. I know. Stop acting so high and mighty and smart when you’re not. Please remember to clear your history on your devices. Come on, I’m a 16 year old girl, and I know to do that. I don’t want to see your nasty-ass pornos whenever I borrow one of your devices that connect to the internet. Thanks for all the nice food, though. By the way, I am dating a girl and am a feminist 😛 We don’t want to ruin life for everyone, we just want to be treated like normal humans. Also BTW, I don’t believe in hell. Or heaven. OMG I’M SUCH A HEATHEN I’M GONNA BE DAMNED TO HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY blah blah blah blah. And you know what? I don’t even care. Byeeeee~

Marcus (the adult): You’re racist and homophobic. That’s all I have to say. Work on your anger issues. Byeeeee~

Jamie: Please for the love of everything you hold important, please stop making my mom do so much for you guys. Y’all know she’s a yes (wo)man and you abuse that. At least start helping her back more. You guys kinda owe her for all she does for y’all. But yeah, thanks for taking care of Marcus. Lord knows he needs it.
To both Marcus and Jamie: PLEASE get James admitted somewhere. He seriously needs to go to a behavioral center. I’m really messed up, but I’m definitely not that bad. He’s just gonna keep doing stuff.

To “The Boys”: Y’all need to clean your acts up. Nobody is gonna be able to change you but you. I swear. You guys keep this up and you’re gonna be living a terrible life. Nothing’s even gonna be good while you stay like this.

To whomever else I can’t think of at the moment, I have but to say goodbye and VIVA LA PLUTO, FUCK YOU.