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Not doing well

by michelle.m

I’m sick. Had an appt. with the surgeon today. Blah blah blah, more tests, blah blah blah.

Just ended a 10 year relationship. He didn’t want to marry me. Or live with me. Or commit to me in any meaningful way.

I want to feel better. I want to go on with my life and get medical treatment and be okay. I really do.

I just don’t think I have the strength to survive the pain I’ll have to go thru to come out the other end. Mental pain physical pain. All of it.

Maybe I’m a coward. Maybe I’m just broken and exhausted.

Suicide prevention sites say you feel suicidal when you have more pain than coping resources. Get more coping resources.

I don’t think I can do that. I’m in too dark of a place to reach out to my shrink or friends or family.

I don’t want to talk to anyone. I HATE everyone right now. I hate crossing guards and bicyclists. I hate check out clerks. I hate nurses in doctors offices. I really, really HATE doctors.

I don’t want to explain. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to expend the energy to speak.

I don’t think I want to die. Well, I don’t want to hurt the people who love me and need me.

But I don’t know how to survive at this point. I am shutting down.

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8 comments

nias 10/2/2014 - 5:32 pm

Two major events have hit you at the same time, the departure of your long term boyfriend and the surgery, either one would cause anxiety but both. I suppose you know that and I’m like everyone else around you, talking pointlessly. It’s okay to hate people at times, especially doctors, they may be there to help but sometimes they can make it so difficult. You don’t want to end your life but things haven’t gone your way recently and when you need someone, he was gone, but let others take his place and reach out to them when you feel ready and get through the surgery. Sorry not to be of much help but just to let you know I’ve read your post and know what you’re going through.

Uptown234 10/2/2014 - 6:37 pm

You got to stop the hatred and let others help you. There is no reason to hate people and your hatred will hurt YOU. Hatred wells up in your heart and can cause all kinds of issues in your life.
Let it go. Doctors and so forth are there to help. No reason to hate them. People are not perfect but you have to learn to accept people and get along and then youll see that people are good and can be helpful.

find a way to vent that is not directed at other people.
Like exercise, journaling, punch a punching bag if you have to but dont blame others for the sitution you are in.

there are people here who can help if you open up more
good luck

michelle.m 10/2/2014 - 8:57 pm

Your post is really hurtful. You don’t know anything about my life and my experience with doctors.

My grandfather was in a hospital following a surgery. It was a Saturday. I was visiting him, and he had a stroke right in front me. I immediately and quite frantically alerted the nurses and doctors. They told me that neurologists didn’t work weekends and that a doctor would evaluate him on Monday. My family and I had fits them. He needed immediate attention. They placated us by saying they would page a neurologist.

You know when he showed up? Monday. By then it was too late. My grandfather had suffered severe brain damage. He no longer recognized me, my mother or my brothers. He never recovered.

My son, at the age of 12, developed a migraine variant known as cyclic vomiting syndrome. He vomited 20 to 30 times a day. His middle school did not want him to attend given his condition. The county public school system set him up on a home and hospital teaching program where teachers would come tutor him at our home.

Initially, doctors though it was a gastrointestinal problem. After a year of undergoing test after test, they ruled out a GI issue and recommended a neurologist.

After researching doctors, I brought him to the head of the Johns Hopkins Pediatric Neurology department. (We live in Maryland. Hopkins was the best hospital available here.) We had one visit, and the doctor started my son on a migraine medication. After several weeks, we saw no improvement. I called to make a follow up appointment. The doctor’s next available appointment was in 7 months.

So I called and emailed the doctor asking for help. My son had been vomiting at least 20 times a day for a year and a half at this point. The doctor said there were no other treatment options available and that there was nothing else he could do for us.

The home and hospital teaching office reevaluated the student’s medical condition every 3 months. I routinely filled out all of the forms and gave the office permission to speak with my son’s doctors. When the office called the Hopkins neurologist, who had only seen my son once, and knew from my emails if he had bothered to read them that my son was still very sick, he told the office that there was no reason my son couldn’t attend school.

Consequently, the county terminated my son’s home teaching and I received a threatening letter that if he didn’t return to school immediately, I would be reported to the truancy offices and investigated.

I had to quickly bring my son to his pediatrician, who knew of his condition, and had him write a letter which got my son’s home teaching reestablished.

Ultimately, I found a hospital in Delaware that specializes in hard to diagnosis children. The doctor we saw there told us that there were entire families of medicines that we hadn’t tried yet. She gave us hope, and it took another year, but my son finally got relief from his illness. She was wonderful.

These are just two examples. I have many more. There are wonderful doctors out there, but there are also quacks that do more harm than good, and there are arrogant pricks who don’t give a damn about their patients.

So spare me the lecture about how you think I should feel about doctors.

You also seem to have very little understanding of depression, which can make a person angry and irritable for no rationale reason. And there was NOTHING in my post that blamed anyone else for my situation. I choose to stay with this man for 10 years; that’s no one’s fault but my own. I know that and I didn’t say otherwise.

This forum is supposed to be a safe place. No judgement. No hate. Maybe you should find somewhere else to tell people their feelings are invalid, even though you don’t know shit about their lives and experiences.

nias 10/2/2014 - 8:14 pm

Perhaps I should modify my comment and add, hate can be all consuming as Uptown234 says, we all hate at some point in our lives, it’s part of our emotions but you sound like you’re letting it take over you. I seem to remember from a previous post that one doctor says one thing and another says something else when all you want is to get the surgery over with, it must be frustrating for you. It’s right that you find those who’ll help you through this difficult time in your life and, yes, there are people who will listen here.

michelle.m 10/2/2014 - 9:10 pm

Thank you, Nias. I appreciate your kind words. I know it’s wrong to hate. I just feel so angry and frustrated and I’m in so much pain. I would never be rude to a stranger or take my frustrations out on an innocent inappropriate person. Really I was just venting. I feel angry bc I’m in pain and depressed. I’m not taking these feelings out on anyone. I’m hiding in my room. It’s part of the reason I don’t want to reach out to people. It takes a great deal of effort to be friendly and engaged with people when my insides are in such turmoil. Thank you for listening and caring. It helps.

nias 10/2/2014 - 9:37 pm

I know, behind every post placed here there’s a story of pain that I wouldn’t want to trample on, I know you’re hurting physically and emotionally. It’s good to be angry, again, it’s part of our emotions and you have every right given your circumstances. You’re right not to take it out on those who you may need, family and friends, although as they love you I’m sure they’ll understand what your going through. It must be horrible to have had such difficulty with doctors who don’t seem to help, as you say there are good ones but it’s finding them. I hope things work out and you have a successful operation in due course and that you’ll continue to post here and don’t let things build up inside you, yes vent here all you like.

Foundhappiness 10/8/2017 - 1:57 am

You feel what many do…including me…just tonight I did something I never thought I would ever come to in my life…. I sat at the beach down by the waves and felt at peace with one night walking into them and never coming out. I will,,,its a given, its just not the right time for me. I lost my wife of 15 years, she left me for many guys, not just one…so much more… Im a tough guy, but even the best can and sometimes get to the point of seeing only death as the way out. I take care of mom now, I am only here for that as I have no-one else. When she passes…she is now 92… I will likely not even last that night… so my point to you is this… Id like to see you live,, but honestly can’t say thats the best thing to do, because as you see, I can no longer do it myself.

michelle.m 10/2/2014 - 9:55 pm

Thank you! Honestly posting here is the only things that helps. 🙂

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