so this is the end i guess

Been suffering from asebergers, PTSD, BPD, severe social anxiety and extreme guilt for ages….. my gulit, combined wiith asebergers just made it so i’m broken socially, which furthers the degree of my BPD and loneliness pretty much by the day. my BPD overlaps with asebergers and i just lose it over little things… and everybody thinks i’m insane. i can’t even go outside and walk around because i’m afraid of what people will think. even my own family thinks i’m crazy!!! my mom has locked me up so many times over the littlest shit… and the funny thing is that pretty much everybody agrees that my mom doesn’t have her head screwed on quite right either. the only reason she still lets me live with her is because she has to. she’s made it clear that she doesn’t give a fuck about my feelings!!! all she does is sit in her room talking to her damn boyfriend all day on the computer, and ignores me! if i ever talk to her she just… like talks down to me, not like a parent would to her teenage son. she talks like i’m a baby. she yells at me all the time, because i just don’t function the way a normal person does. big fucking deal mom, sorry i have arsebergers!!! sorry i’m such a damn nut!!! my only real sympathizers are fucking therapists, whose JOB it is to sympathize. so basically i have nobody. no friends!!! nobody fucking likes me!!!!!! and other than that, there’s nobody, NOBODY. there’s nobody i can meet at school because i was expelled and sent to a school for autistic retards. even when i was in public school, almost everybody HATED me. they straight up hated me. the only things i can even enjoy anymore are watching tv shows, masturbating, eating and sleeping. and my depression is so bad, i can hardly even do that anymore!!!!! i stay up all night every night having nightmares, dillusions, hallucinations, or just endless thoughts of suicide, and my greatest life mistakes, which are so bad i don’t even want to talk about on a site like this. the only thing i’ve been able to do is drink myself to a point where i can be somewhat happy for 5 minutes because perscription drugs aren’t effective at all. every single second is agony. nobody loves me. i don’t have friends or the ability to make them. yesterday i had a mental breakdown and destroyed my dresser and bunch of my other things. my mom said she’s sending me out of the house because i’m a fucking nut. even if i decide to live on i’ll end up locked because my anger is out of control. i know maybe if this is just about my mom i seem immature, but this is mother i’m talking about…. and i have nobody else…. and the one person who’s supposed to be there for me no matter what treats me like a pile of dirt.

i decided yesterday, i’m going to kill myself. there’s no other way. i refuse to live a life like this. i can’t stand the only people who i’m able to fucking interact with. i’m just a burden, just some nut who belongs in a facility. i don’t care about anybody anymore. i stopped caring about myself long ago. i guess i’m going to end it within the next day or two. i can’t take living anymore. every second i live is like stabbing myself in the head. i just hate it. i wish i were somebody else….. because i really think i could have enjoyed living….