They told me to lose weight, so i starved….

I thought about it so many times but i wanted to stay positive and not starve again…but sadly it just didn’t happen. High school- a place where you will be happy, have a great education, and figure out who you really are. I really wanted this to be the definition in my words, i really wanted to tell everyone how awesome it was to have friends and be beautiful and have harvard grades, i really wanted to be like my brother…it sucked. Because no matter how hard you tried, it would stay the same. I still remember all the people who called me ‘fat’, ‘ugly’, a ‘whore’, ‘stupid’, ‘worthless’, and many other names. I think back and cry sometimes and i feel so weak. A girl said that i should eat a lot less. A guy in my class said that i was the only fat person in the class and everyone laughed…i excused myself and cried in the bathroom. That was only yesterday too. I starve myself now and i feel like i’m crazy but in a way getting somewhere good in life..i always wanted to be skinny enough to fit in..literally (no pun intended). I will admit that i’m not really dramatically heavy but i need to lose 10 pounds or so. I am confident sometimes, but people say something and suddenly i’m drowned in a pool of insecurities. Not too long ago, i tried to commit suicide. Five people in one day said something about my weight, my mom yelled at me because i did something wrong that day, and i was so depressed. my mom had no clue. So i just did it. I took any pills i could find. i drank nail polish remover and acne blemish liquid remover. i remember me barely walking and my mom being very suspicious, wondering what was wrong with me. I told her after an hour of questioning me. She was angry and yelled at me. I cried, wanting her to actually love me and try to understand me…but that wasn’t even the worst part. My dad came home, knowing every detail of the situation from the phone call from my mom. He ate his dinner glaring at me. suddenly he through his plate. I remember the glass breaking and him yelling at me and my mom. I was sobbing and shaking…i was scared. He took me to my brother’s room since my brother was away at college. I remember the rage in his face. He smacked me so many times and cried..i was shaking, i even peed..i was just scared. he grabbed my arm tightly and pushed me onto the floor, then the bed. he smacked me again. then it got more violent…he punched me. my nose was bleeding and my ear rang. i remember the ring in my ear…i really thought that my life was ending now…i was dying. The pain became so numb eventually. I cried for my mom but i remember her watching me saying to be quiet…that honestly hurt me the most. i still cry just thinking of that memory. It eventually stopped and bruises along with a bloody nose and ringing ear did not stop unfortunaetly. I went back to school and people called me names again.. i just wanted to burst out in tears and just scream out my awful night that had just happened. I went back home and i was scared. i still can’t believe it….i am scared of my own home…the one that everyone is supposed to feel safe in. I barely talked and i went to the hospital after the beating that my dad gave me. he apoligized but i was too scared to tell him that i don’t accept it….i didn’t want him to beat me again so i said its okay. I told my mom that i didn’t trust her anymore and that i feel as if i don’t feel safe here with her or my dad. she cried and i know that it had to hurt. I’ m crying now and it wasn’t even me getting the news. I starve now. I cry now. I hate now…my life is the worst mess it could possibly be