I believe that some people feel more so than others. The amount of sadness it’d take one person to crumble is what another wakes up to every day. You will never know my pain, nor I, yours. We can describe them as best we can, but I will never know what it is to carry your burden, and vise versa. I feel as though my own pain is much greater than most, as obnoxious as that sounds.. I live in a constant state of anxiety. How do others see me? Am I annoying? My breathing is too loud. Am I performing this task too slowly? Does anyone like me? They all think I’m stupid. Why can’t i prove them wrong? My mind is so clouded with questions and worry that it doesn’t seem to function properly. I’m currently learning the ins and outs of my job. Sort of a paid internship. I’m an electrical apprentice. There are many aspects of the trade to learn, and everything we do is rushed. I’m a smart guy. But when I’m rushed, it makes my anxiety worse. I freak out internally, which affects my work in a negative way. I’m also very sad and lonely. All the time. The only escape from these emotions is anger. It’s always there. Waiting. When I allow it to take hold, I no longer care what others think. I can work without distraction. But the thing about being angry all the time is that you tend to come off as an asshole to everyone around you. Your boss thinks you have a bad attitude. You take your lunch breaks alone. You get sent to people’s offices on account of that bad attitude of yours. You’re told if you don’t fix it, there will no longer be a place for you at this company. But you need this job. Badly. You’re barely making ends meet as it is. So what do you do? That is the question I wake up to every morning, as I’m currently working seven days a week. I’ve unknowingly labeled myself an outcast. Seems to happen everywhere I go. But you can’t make others understand that. Especially not in a job interview. Does well under pressure? Like hell. I need help. I need mental stability. I need someone to tell me it will be okay, and how to make it so. And the only person that can help with any of that is me. Am I fucked, or what?
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You sound a lot like me. I deal with that constant anxiety. I don’t even like when another car is driving behind me, I worry if I’m going too slow for them, always worrying what other people think about me, etc. Like you mentioned, the only time the anxiety goes away is when I let myself get angry, then I stop caring what anyone thinks, but that’s not a healthy state to exist in either. I had a somewhat similar skilled labor job, automotive instead of electrical. I hated the same things, jobs and repairs constantly being rushed, being encouraged to do a job poorly if it means you’ll get it done quicker, and then getting in trouble if something went wrong or the customer wasn’t happy, because the job was rushed. Not a fun way to work. I started to get angry at work too, but I ended up quitting one random day before they ever got a chance to start reprimanding me about it. Yeah, would be nice if there was a way through life other than anger or anxiety. Seems like “happiness” is never one of the choices.
I’m glad someone understands.
YES! This is cause of my fear of going back to work. Constant anxiety!
I was an accountant and good at it too. But everyone knew to stay the fuck away.
Somehow I got the message across with out actually saying…. “I’ll get to your shit when I get to it. It will probably be at the very last minute but it will be perfect.”
So, I never got written up. I kept my anger inside. But if looks could kill…..
I’m not angry at anyone but me now. I have nothing good to say because everything is annoying so I shut down, keep quiet & avoid people. This makes my family think I’m angry. Damned if you, damned if you don’t. This is no life either.
I used to have to compensate by pulling all nights now & then to catch up even though I hardly ever left the office a 5:00. There’s no way I could put in that kind of time now that I have 2 kids & a fucking monster house.
For you, how about taking up kickboxing or something to release your frustration. Tell yourself to hold it in just until the next class where you’ll have permission to let loose.
As far as the actual work, sadly, you’ll have to put in more effort than most. Hopefully, as you learn, it will become second nature & you’ll be able to relax. In the meantime, tell your supervisor that you recognize your issues, spoke to a friend, and plan to work on them. They should notice your dedication & give you a chance to get comfortable.
I know all this will take time & be very difficult but in the long run, it’ll be much better than starting something new again & again.
Good Luck!