Sorry for all the posts today.. but i needed to write this down somewhere…
I’ve been having these slight and subtle flashbacks to who I was and how my character was before all this mess took over.. I can almost feel that person trying to lighten my spirits.. it has me in tears
Is it real? Or another hallucination.. I’m afraid to let it lead me. I don’t know if it’s the devil in disguise, waiting for me to let my guard down.
How did I even get to this… why did I ever come here? And when I’m not here, why am I this way anyways? Why can’t I be light hearted and LOVE MY LIFE??
I want to be sure of things in my life… I want to have confidence that the person I was, the person that my ex taught me to be, the goodness that I felt.. that person in me exists for a reason ..I want to feel confidence that it was a gift she taught me to let my sweetness and compassion and personality flow like water..for the greater good..My sensitivity healing everything it touched. I want to know that person still lives and wants to live and isn’t just another false hope. I want to be sure that if I seek that person out again, they won’t fail me like so many times before. I want to feel the better part of fate playing it’s roll in my life, and not all this pain and darkness. I want to kill this person I’ve become and never look back. But i want to know I can do it without help and medication. I’m tired of all this…
I was somebody worth being once
I have to have that in me still.. I’m just so scared it’s a fake, my mind playing tricks on me. I need help..
my life depends on it
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4 comments
Reading your post it sounds like there are a lot of things you want in the future. And you sound like you want help.
I know the feeling of ‘wanting to do something without help and medication”, but I’m just wondering why you feel that way. I feel the same, but our reasons may be different?
I think you’ve got the potential to love your life, but it might be easier with help and / or medication.
May I asked your rational for not wanting those things?
Because I want to believe that I’m stronger than this.. because my strength doesn’t want me to give up.. but I’ve been physically weakened by this time in my life..I’m in constant recovery from dehydration malnutrition and fatigue, from simply not eating or drinking and over exerting myself at work. I’ve lost over 20lbs in less than a month. I’m fading fast here.
But when I was stronger I didnt want help, I didn’t need it. I was fine with my mental state. But dropping this low has taken a toll on me and I’m starting to see the end result clear if I don’t get out of this
*rationale
The problem is that deep inside I feel I’m stronger..and at the same time I’m scared to go down that road of getting help, for the fear of becoming even worse off. On the other hand, it would be foolish to not seek help because of my past. I look back on my past and I see that I’ve always been fucked up in my head. I’m a sweet guy but seriously delusional and manic depressive. The mere fact that I’ve tried to kill myself in the past, harm myself in the past, and am always saying that I hate my life and want to die (to everyone) is justification enough for me to admit it…yeah, I need help regardless of how strong I am or what I feel is good about me inside.